Sunday, June 01, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED MARS LANDER EXPERIMENTS

Top Ten Rejected Mars Lander Experiments

10. Go out at night, eatin' cars. Eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too, Mercurys and Subarus

9. Test the effects of reduced atmosphere on a microwave burrito from 7-11

8. Come back to Disneyland and put Wall-E in a submission hold

7. Blow bong hits in Martian's faces

6. Destroy any native species encountered and replace their culture with MTV and Starbucks

5. Call Dominoes. Try to get a pizza in 30-minutes or less

4. Eat a bag of Pop Rocks and drink a Coke at the same time

3. Claim the entire planet for Queen Isabella of Spain

2. Mine the substrate for any Mars bars

And the number one rejected Mars lander experiment...

1. c0d3 411 +r4N5M15510n5 b4Ck 2 34r+h n 1337 5P34k

-Jason Rohrblogger
(6/1/08)

And the alternates...

Head to Martian Jiffy Lube for three-million mile oil change
Finally make it into R2-D2's top eight on MySpace
Calculate the odds of getting off that godforsaken rock
Unpack the boxes, forward the mail, find nearest Synagogue
Sit back, pop a can of WD-40, and relax
Try to find underground three-chested babes depicted in Total Recall
Switch to metric system
Start speaking in a stilted Martian accent, adopt a child from Malawi
Drive around taking random pictures of rocks
Write hilarious Top Ten List blog

Thursday, May 01, 2008

ROHRBLOGGER OUT

Rohrblogger out

My landlord discovered the basement where I have been keeping my underage polygamous family underground for the last twenty-four years. That's not the problem, though. It's also the same basement where I grow poppies and train my Mujahedeen brothers.

Needless to say, I am in the midst of moving and won't have internet access for awhile.

Enjoy my lovely archives, won't you?

Allahu Akbar!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/08)

Monday, April 28, 2008

TOP TEN RAP OPERAS

Top Ten Rap Operas

10. Pimpmalion

9. Get Rich or Die Tristan und Isolde

8. Mah Ho Go Knee

7. Red Manon

6. The Fairy-Queen Latifah

5. Le Villi Manilli

4. Snoop Doggerdämmerung

3. Bone Thugs-N-Gianni Schicchi

2. Wagner's Ho n' Grin

And the number one rap opera...

1. Grandmaster Flash and Die Furious Fledermaus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/15/08)

And the alternates...

Aida Bambaata
La Bohèminem
Porgy D and the Bess
Salome-n-Pepa
The Mystikal Affair
Stiffeli-Ol' Dirty Bastard
The Mary Jane Widow
Doktor Dre
2Pagliacci
Mos Defaustus
Carmen Elektra
C-Lotello
Destiny Child
50 Cent and Threepenny Hip Hopera
L'il Kimadama Butterfly
Beasty Babes in Toyland
Die Ghostface Walküre
The Barber of Shakur
Run DMCandide
Falstaff'll Make You Jump Jump
The Marriage of Figaro and the Funky Bunch

Friday, April 25, 2008

SURVEY SAYS

Survey Says...

Fill these out and post your answers in my comments anonymously. I want to really get to know you, without, er, well, knowing who you are.

I stole this outright from Yummy Sushi Pajamas. It was fun to fill out. I'll try to guess who you are by your answers...

If you are interested, my answers are posted here.

1. Are you currently in a serious relationship?
2. What was your dream growing up?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. If I were to buy you a drink, what would it be?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Which zodiac sign are you?
8. Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
9. What would you say is your worst habit?
10. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11. What is your favorite sport?
12. Do you have a mostly negative or optimistic attitude?
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?
15. Tell me one weird fact about you.
16. Do you have any pets?
17. What would you do if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18. What was your first impression of me?
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22. What color are your eyes?
23. Have you ever been arrested?
24. Bottle or can pop?
25. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26. What's your favorite place to hang at?
27. Do you believe in ghosts?
28. What's your favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29. Do you swear a lot?
30. What's your biggest pet peeve?
31. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32. Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33. Do you believe in God?
34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?


JASON'S ANSWERS
1. Are you currently in a serious relationship? I'm currently in a hilarious relationship.
2. What was your dream growing up? To dream the impossible dream.
3. What talent do you wish you had? Turn water into wine.
4. If I were to buy you a drink, what would it be? Jack and Diet Coke
5. Favorite vegetable? Stephen Hawking
6. What was the last book you read? A Million Little Feces
7. Which zodiac sign are you? Pisces! Woot! Water sign rulz, yo!
8. Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where. I have a pierced tattoo.
9. What would you say is your worst habit? Smoking in the nursery.
10. If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? Totally! Real creepy like.
11. What is your favorite sport? Olympic Tonsil Hockey
12. Do you have a mostly negative or optimistic attitude? I'm optimistically negative. Mostly.
13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? Offer to press your button.
14. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? This one time? At the drive-thru? They totally gave me fries when I clearly ordered onion rings. There's a special level in Hell for that.
15. Tell me one weird fact about you. I have the preamble to the Constitution shaved into my chest hair.
16. Do you have any pets? A hairless goat.
17. What would you do if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? Hide the bodies.
18. What was your first impression of me? This woman will be the second female president.
19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary? Scute
20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? Earlobe implants
21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? Crime.
22. What color are your eyes? Red
23. Have you ever been arrested? Nope. Never convicted, either.
24. Bottle or can pop? I like to hold my head directly under the fountain at 7-11
25. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? 1,000 dimebags, baby!
26. What’s your favorite place to hang at? Hammock store
27. Do you believe in ghosts? I believe that Patrick Swayze loves Demi Moore so much that not even DEATH will keep him from coming back and making pottery with her.
28. What's your favorite thing to do in your spare time? Change my spare tire and count my spare change.
29. Do you swear a lot? Hell no!
30. What's your biggest pet peeve? A 150lb Shetland Peeve. She was half-wild half-pet.
31. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Drunk
32. Do you believe/appreciate romance? Maybe. Why do you want to know?
33. Do you believe in God? Is she watching right now? Then, yes. Totally.
34. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you. You meme my back, I'll meme yours.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/25/08)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

WRITING EXERCISE

My dear friend Sherri outside of Phoenix, AZ has joined "The Souls" writing group on Yahoo. She forwarded me this exercise: pick up and write a chapter from this beginning...

SICKS AND THE CITY
by "THE SOULS"

It wasn't a dark and stormy night, just another boring 72-degree day in Los Angeles. I turned on the morning news. I'm not sure if it is actually live or just a tape that is re-spliced and played again each day. Channel surfing produced the usual: A car chase, Click. A freeway shooting, Click. Weather, same again tomorrow, Click. A nauseating lawyer (I know, redundant) explaining why his client, who had stabbed three people, was entitled to five million in damages from the knife manufacturer because he had cut his finger on the weapon's defective handle. (Say, did you hear about the terrorists who stormed the courthouse and had fifty lawyers captive on a bus, demanding ten million dollars or they would release them?) Click. All freeways moving normally.

After finishing my breakfast of egg and grain free toaster pancakes followed by a steaming cup of distilled water, I set the alarms, let out the Rottweilers and headed for the garage. For once I was ahead of schedule. It was 7 A.M. I should get to work, which is ten miles away, by 8:30. Turning the key of my leased 600 horsepower red German convertible with gold wheels, I donned a pair of 500 dollar designer sunglasses. And thought: only three more payments and they're mine.

Pulling into the parking lot at 8:25 I knew it would be a great day. "Good morning Brittanni." She is our fourth receptionist in six months. Brittanni looked stunning in her six inch heels and designer mini-dress. That woman has more plastic in her than the Tupperware factory uses in a week, but when you're trolling for a rich husband, bait is important. Our company imports products from China. My job is to rewrite the instruction sheets into something resembling English. However, when at a club or bar, I of course tell the women I meet that I am an International Financier or a Secret Agent. There is a list of clubs and bars I frequent in my wallet with the appropriate occupations and corresponding business cards. A lot of women ask why I am not married and I tell them the truth. The dating scene is so full of phony women claiming to be models and actresses that I haven't yet found that real and honest woman.

I settled into my cubicle and reached for my In Box when the phone rang. "There is a person in the lobby to see you." Brittanni sounded stressed. "I'll be right out." While making my way to reception, the plant manager cornered me and began reading a laundry list of products that couldn't ship because I was behind on the instruction sheets. When I finally got to reception I found myself staring at a person in combat boots, wearing some sort of uniform, leaning over Brittanni's desk. Looking very relieved, Brittanni slid her chair away from the desk and stammered "Oh, here is the gentleman you wish to see. This is Roger Smythe."

"How can I help you?"

"My name is Sergeant Roberta Browning with the U.S. Customs Service." She handed me a business card and pumped my hand while simultaneously crushing it. Although she was speaking to me, she seemed to have a hard time keeping her eyes off of Brittanni.

"You can call me Bob."

She looked like she could bench press 400 pounds. I was envious of her physique. I remember a recent date telling me I was in need of some physical activity. I told her about spending a couple of months working out with my good buddy Arnold, but that the only thing I had developed was an Austrian accent!

Bob informed me that I would have to accompany her to the harbor to inspect one of our incoming shipments and answer a few questions. We should be back by lunch time. Bob looked at Brittanni and asked "Do you know any nice, quiet restaurants around here?" Brittanni stuttered "I uh, um, always bring my lunch. I'm on a very special diet, besides there must be some wonderful places at the harbor and Roger just loves seafood. Don't you Roger?"

We went to the parking lot. Bob motioned me to a white Crown Victoria with a light bar on the roof and a cage separating the front and back seats.

"You can ride up front with me unless you prefer the back and looking like a felon."

"NO! The front is fine."

Naturally there was a three car crash completely blocking the Harbor Freeway. Bob said, "No sweat, I know a way around this on surface roads." We drove through areas that gang bangers would be afraid to traverse. "They should tear down this area and put up a slum." Inane comments are my version of whistling in the dark when I'm nervous.

Arriving at the docks, there were cars with flashing lights and lots of agitated people in uniforms milling about. A dark suited guy right out of "Men in Black" opened the driver side door. "Bob, you're not going to believe what's going on inside."

AND HERE IS WHAT I WROTE...

I stepped out of the Crown Vic and immediately sucked salted air with a delightful petroleum finish. Decomposing on the dock was a standard overseas shipping container labeled with nothing more than "Far East Freight" and Mandarin rust.

Dark Suit stammered..."It's, um, well, it APPEARS to be everything we have been looking for."

"Thanks Mr. Suit," I thought, "could you be more vague?"

In the last three months I had seen some unofficial horrors roll out of these foregone crates: families escaping some atrocity or other, and the corpses of those who didn't. I once held a bill-of-lading marked "bibles" only to find my receptacle mis-filled with illegal AK-47's bound for inner-city war zones. It wasn't the first time the word of God had been replaced with hot lead and gun oil.

I angled my Bruno Maglis around to the business end of the crusty metal box. Would my fine shipment normally served be replaced with Folger's Crystals? Let's see if anyone notices.

An alphabet soup of agents phalanxed the landing: ATF, NSA, FBI, IRS. IRS? It was a relief to know that taxes would be properly collected on "everything we have been looking for." Together they held more firepower than an Amway meeting gone wrong between the Crips and Bloods.

My eyes trailed Bob as she (he? it?) unholstered her biceps and laid a vise-like mitt on the latch locking-lever and gave it a gentle stroke.

I instantly swallowed as I fully realized that Dark Suit was, indeed, correct...

A beam of blazing light dribbled out of the container. Once my seared corneas adjusted...it WAS all there.

EVERYTHING we have been looking for was in that corroded can: a ship's manifest of destiny.

The stench of a thousand goats tugged the eggs and pancakes from my stomach as the container belched out...Osama bin Laden.

The six-foot two-inch cave dwelling Arab was attached to a doleful dialysis machine pumping life-giving insulin through his kaffiyeh.

Two NSA agents went cuckoo for bin Laden's Cocoa Puffs, and one FBI officer ejaculated as they received their new federal guest.

But the decrepit crate held more...much more.

Everything we had been looking for:

DVD after DVD of funny Chevy Chase movies, Ann Ria's first three best-sellers, a competent President of the United States, gallons of clear, refreshing anti-hangover vodka, at least one funny, original Top Ten List from Jason Rohrblogger, and several cases of calorie-free double bacon cheeseburgers.

Euro signs formed a conga line around my designer-shaded eyeballs as I beheld a well-tanned 95-year-old Jimmy Hoffa disembark carrying a live breeding pair of dodo birds, a personal handwritten letter from Amelia Earhart, and sipping Chablis from The Holy Grail.

I about fudge-striped my Calvin Kleins (smooth move, Smythe) when Dark Suit and Bob emerged from the back of the trailer holding...

[You can take it from here...]

-Jason Rohrblogger
(4/22/08)

READER MICKMASTER WROTE...

a jewel-encrusted walker that could only belong to one man, as well as the man to whom it belonged. Everyone froze--except for one male and one female agent who fainted--as we looked upon the one and only King of Rock and Roll. Alive, but barely. "Thank you, thankyouverymuch," he said as two young agents took over and helped him out of the container. He was eating one of the cheeseburgers.

"Holy Shit." I mouthed the words, but two others said them at the same instant. Seagulls announced themselves overhead as if this were some kind of party and they were pissed that they weren't invited.

There was no mistaking it. This was The Man, The God of Rock. Holy Shit, indeed. Years of rumors and National Enquirer headlines with their crappy faked photos using chronological progression programs like the kind used on Have You Seen Me? milk cartons and mail inserts. And the jokes, always the Elvis jokes. But something told me that this was no joke.

Bob came over. "You care to tell me what this is all about?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Don't get smart with me, Smythe! Homeland asked us to check this out, but this is beyond what anyone anticipated. We need some answers from you. Now."

"Hey, I can't believe it either. Look at me: my hands are shaking. I mean, is that Elvis Fucking Presley? And Bin Laden?" I stuttered when I said it. I didn't know whether to get a closer look or get a safe distance away. I took a step to the side.

Crunch. I hadn't noticed my shades fell. Five hundred dollars down the drain, but that was the last thing on my mind right now.

Bob shook his/her head: "We gotta get Homeland down here. This is too much." My throat was suddenly drier than the dirt on the bottom of Osama Bin Laden's boots.

Bob nodded to Dark Suit. "Get someone on the phone." I sat down.

Agents continued to wander around, taking notes and photographs, all of them on their cell phones. This place was turning into Grand Central Station as more and more unmarked black sedans pulled up and unloaded various suits of various ranks. Vans and moving trucks arrived as well to take fantastical booty to who knows where. An agent strutted past with a phone on each ear.

It started getting dark. We'd been here all day, and yet it seemed as though this was just the beginning. I realized I hadn't taken a leak in twelve hours.

Another black Crown Vic pulled up, and a couple of important-looking suits got out. They walked over to Bob and Dark Suit and said a few things, then the whole posse came over to me.

"Mister Smythe, this is...."

Saturday, April 19, 2008

TOP TEN POPE PEEVES

Top Ten Pope Peeves

10. Sacraments that don't presuppose faith

9. Folks who point at the Popemobile and ask "Where's Robin?"

8. Miters that chafe

7. Deviled eggs

6. Bland Inquisitors

5. Kids who quote the doctrine of the Trinity from The Matrix

4. Pagan-loving divorced Islamic homosexual abortionists

3. Spicy Eucharist

2. Beatles who think they are bigger than Jesus

And the number one Pope peeve...

1. American Idolatry

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/19/08)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT THE VATICAN

Top Ten Projects in Development at the Vatican

10. Time-release communion wafer

9. Holy Waterpark

8. 1-800 link to Heaven, 1-900 line to Hell

7. Emasculated OS Eunux

6. Swiss Miss Guard

5. Martyred-saints line of playing cards

4. Vestment sponsorship deal with Nike

3. Garden State of Grace

2. "Papa Don't Preach" Pontiffical Rap Album by Hizz Ho'ness B-Dict Sixtaine

And the number one project in development at the Vatican...

1. Jesus Juice

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/08/06)

Sunday, April 13, 2008

GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE AT PUBLIC SODA FOUNTAINS

Jason Rohrblogger's Guide to Proper Etiquette at Public Soda Fountains

Let me begin with full disclosure: my name is Jason and I am a Diet Coke addict.

I need Diet Coke the way Romeo needs Juliet, the way Amy Winehouse needs heroin, the way Russians need Vodka. Lives hang in the balance.

It's not just the caffeine; it's the sweet chemical-taste of artificial sweeteners and industrial carcinogens attacking my perforated kidneys. The sound of CO2 escaping is Mozart to my thirsty ears.

But I live in a crowded city bursting like a full bladder with fellow needy caf-fiends.

My point: when you approach a public soda fountain, even if you are alone at the time, please fill up your receptacle with ice, top off with the tasty beverage of your choice, and...

STEP AWAY FROM THE SODA FOUNTAIN.

Do not linger as if you are the only person in the universe this particular battery of liquid cannons was installed to slake. Chances are while you were mixing myriad flavors, tasting every 109 combinations possible, I have come up behind you and I am patiently waiting to get a nozzle of precious life-giving diet nectar.

I do not have time for you to slurp eleven sips and top off. I do not have time for you to block the spigots while you select three wrong-size lids and drop two straws.

Don't fill fluid first, and decide later you want to add ice - resulting in an Exxon Valdez-style toxic Dew spill on the Mountain. The order is thus: ice, shoot, and scoot.

All of the peripheral activities: waiting for the foam to settle, sampling your secret combination of Gatorade and Dr. Pepper, lidding and strawing your creation, and cleaning up the gallon of dumped syrup on your hand can be accomplished AWAY from the business end of the machine.

Situational awareness: if your selected drink is at one end of the row, please move the bulk of your personage toward that end of the apparatus as you pour, so that if someone in the inconsidered line behind you can use a nearby teat at the same time, they are not prevented from receiving relief.

Once full, please step back and look around you. If a line has formed, grab your lid and straw and move along before applying them to your container. You can always come back later for your twenty free refills. I know I will.

Are you filling 24 small Pepsis for the troop of Girl Scouts you just brought to Hardee's? Use the carrier to hold the empty cups: ice, shoot, get your lids and straws and SCOOT! My foregone veins cannot wait for you to seal all two-dozen of your thimbles of juice. I have a 44-ounce hole in my Big Gulp-shaped gullet that I will fill with your blood if I don't get some Diet Coke first.

Hopefully this modest proposal will result in less fatalities at already dangerous places like the Circle K.

Because if I don't get some Diet Coke soon, you are going to need more than a cleanup on aisle three. You're going to need a good supply of body bags. I will drink your milkshake and there will be blood.

I'm just saying is all.

-Rohrblogger out.
(04/13/08)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

TOP TEN TOOL DEFINITIONS

Top Ten Tool Definitions

10. HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

9. MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

8. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for boring rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

7. HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board Principle: it transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE-GRIPS
Used to round-off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

5. OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

4. WELDING GLOVES
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

3. DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

2. WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses.

And the number one tool definition...

1. DAMMIT TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT!" at the top of your lungs. It is most often the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/10/08)

And the alternates...

WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last forty-five minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
Used for levering a car upward off of a hydraulic floor jack.

TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened forty years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a fifty cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.

SKIL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

Monday, April 07, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED WINNIE THE POOH THEMES

Note: My sister tells me that there are two kinds of Pooh: "Classic" Pooh and "Disney" Pooh. Apparently "Classic Pooh" is the preference. Who knew new Pooh blew? Here are my...

Top Ten Rejected Winnie the Pooh Themes

10. Military Juggernaut Pooh

9. Pooh-saurus Rex

7. G.I. Winnie with Kung Pooh Grip

6. Stinky the Loo

5. Afternoons at 96.9 Pooh FM

4. Baby Seal Hunter Pooh

3. Pooh-dle

2. Mountain Pooh

And the number one rejected Winnie the Pooh theme...

1. Pooh Tang

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/14/05)

And the alternates...

Koo Koo Ka Pooh, Mrs. Robinson
Winnie the Stew
You'll always be my Jenny the Pooh (Forrest Gump only)
Baby the Goo
Koo Koo the Roo
Cock-a-doodle Pooh

Friday, April 04, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR COMPANY IS CUTTING HEALTHCARE BENEFITS

Top Ten Signs Your Company Is Cutting Healthcare Benefits

10. Coffee machine also used for dialysis

9. Rehab is a "Just Say No" bumpersticker

8. All second opinions rendered by Dr. Pepper

7. After vasectomy, anesthesiologist orders you to "walk it off"

6. Door to first-aid cabinet requires a quarter to open it

5. Network physician states you've already got lung cancer, so you might as well smoke all you want, drink-up, and engage in unprotected sex as well

4. If you can swallow fifty eggs, the cholesterol screening is free

3. "Flu shots" taste suspiciously like lime Jell-O, and are two-for-one on Thursdays with wine, well, and drafts

2. Fine Prozac normally served secretly replaced with Folger's Crystals

And the number one sign your company is cutting healthcare benefits...

1. Your choice of any doctor named Kevorkian

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/24/06)

And the alternates...

For $1.99 a minute your RN will also be a "naughty nurse"
Ultrasound shows fetus pimping Nikes, sucking Pepsi, and blasting an i-Pod
Dentist uses Magic 8-Ball to decide where to drill
Mammogram just five minutes of groping from the horny guys in shipping

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED OPENING LINES FROM JASON'S NOVEL

Top Ten Rejected Opening Lines from Jason's Novel

10. "Princess Leia signaled her desire by reclining near the Orgasmatron; 'Help me, Jason Rohrblogger,' she murmured, 'you're my only hope.'"

9. "It was the best of blogs, it was the worst of blogs."

8. "Rigor mortis hadn't set in yet, like Viagra taking hold of an ancient wilted magnolia, but that was sure to change before prom was over in six hours."

7. "It was a time for heroes: when boys became men and men became women."

6. "Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', but we were stayin' alive, stayin' alive."

5. "Call me Oatmeal."

4. "The canopy was thick like Mama Cass. The swamp mud-sucked my boots, while mosquitoes blood-sucked the trigger finger on my M-16A1. Charley was breathing down my neck. It felt like the hot-breath of death after death had been eating anchovies. A nameless gut instinct to survive turned me around. 'Quit breathing on me, Charley,' I demanded, 'and have a mint.'"

3. "I like big butts, and I cannot lie."

2. "From all your furthest bounds, pour ye now in, ye bold billows of my whole foregone life, and top this one piled comber of my death!"

And the number one rejected opening line from Jason's novel...

1. "Show Daddy on the blog where Jason touched you."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/25/06)

And the alternate...

"I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet blog posts that last three days."

Saturday, March 29, 2008

TOP TEN WOODY ALLEN QUOTES

Top Ten Woody Allen Quotes

10. "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Anderson's fingertips."

9. "Love is the answer...but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."

8. "I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."

7. "Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."

6. "Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

5. "I didn't know he was dead...I thought he was British."

4. "Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end."

3. "My brain? it's my second favorite organ."

2. "I've often said: the only thing standing between me and greatness...is me."

And the number one Woody Allen quote...

1. "Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/29/08)

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
"Sex is only dirty if it's done right."
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like...making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank."
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
"The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty"
"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic."
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
"Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying."
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
"Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime."
"Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex."
"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

TOP TEN ITEMS REMOVED FROM JASON'S RÉSUMÉ

Top Ten Items Removed from Jason's Résumé

10. Objective: Hostile takeover

9. (April 1983 - September 1985) Whipping Boy

8. Special Skills: Can drink a pint of beer in one swallow, up to seven times, before having to boot and rally

7. (October 1986 - May 1989) Lickspittle

6. Relevant Experience: Arrested three times, but never convicted

5. (January 1991 - December 1993) Senate Page

4. Awards and Honors: Second Runner-up "Rainbow Ballerina of the Month" Miss Crystal's Fourth Ave Danceteria (April 1988)

3. (March 1994 - July 2005) Assistant Crack Whore

2. Passive-aggressive team player

And the number one item removed from Jason's résumé...

1. (November 2007 - Present) Fluffer

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/26/08)

And the alternates:

(March 2008) Finally off the junk
Education: Bachelor of Kicking Ass and Taking Names from the University of tha Street
(August 1981 - February 1983) Love Doctor
Professional references available from your momma
(July 1980 - August 1980) Lackey
Hobbies and interests: Weight loss through drug and alcohol addiction
(March 1969) Born poor, angry Muslim child

Sunday, March 23, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S EASTER IN LOS ANGELES

Top Ten Signs it's Easter in Los Angeles

10. Mel Gibson directs local Passion Play based on his hit movie based on the bestselling novel of all time

9. Paparazzi stalk Easter Bunny into submission

8. 405 jammed heading into LAX, 101 slow from Ventura to Downtown, El Toro Y is a parking lot, and you're on the brakes on the 110 north from the 91.

7. Tom Cruise's career raised from the tomb

6. New seasonal favorite: Cadbury Peanut Butter Smog

5. Matthew McConaughey smoking plastic grass

4. Destiny's Child don't think you ready for this jellybean

3. Paula Abdul's head still as hollow as a chocolate rabbit

2. Playboy Bunnies hide their eggs

And the number one sign it's Easter in Los Angeles...

1. After three days, Jesús rises from the bed

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/23/08)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

TOP TEN ELIOT SPITZER JOKES

Top Ten Eliot Spitzer Jokes

10. "Asked at a news conference if he had ever patronized a prostitute, Lt. Gov. David Paterson feigned a look of concern and responded, "Only the lobbyists.'"
- Reuters

9. "He said, quote, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of what is right and wrong.' Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber."
-Conan O'Brien

8. "...Hillary Clinton, now, only the second angriest wife in the state of New York."
-Jay Leno

7. "Right now, Spitzer is huddling with his advisers to develop a drinking problem." -David Letterman

6. "You wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn't want to wear a condom? Really? That might not be scary if you were client number one, but you were client number nine! I wear a condom if I'm ninth in line at the deli."
-Seth Meyers

5. "I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern."
-The Onion

4. "Of course, the big story tonight, known to anyone with a television, or a Google alert set to 'prostitute.' Interestingly enough, he was caught on a wiretap, the kind most likely authorized by the law and order governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. Oops!"
-Jon Stewart

3. "Silda, God bless your strength and your fortitude, but you didn't have to stand there. Really. Tammy Wynette would not have stood there."
-Amy Poehler

2. "Now they are saying he may have spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the last ten years. Is that a lot? I mean if you do the math, that's only $22 a day. I spend that on Direct TV."
-Jimmy Kimmel

And the number one Eliot Spitzer joke...

1.
-Eric Allie

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/20/08)

And the alternates...

"I've sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any of this, and I usually have excellent whore-dar."
-Stephen Colbert

"New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer became the butt of jokes faster than, well, faster than it would take a prostitute to ride Amtrak from New York to Washington."
-David Bauder

"You know, if there's one business event your spouse should probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain how you've betrayed them, I mean, what does someone wear for that?"
-Samantha Bee

"It's just mind-blowing that he spent $4,300 on a hooker. It just shows how high the cost of living is in New York. That same hooker would cost $50 in Newark."
-Lisa Landry

"He woke up the next day to find himself leading all the polls to be the next president of France"
-Argus Hamilton

"Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and fuck it."
-Lewis Black

"He said he needed to leave to begin the difficult process of healing. Not emotionally - his wife hit him in the face with a George Foreman Grill."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"This is the guy who vowed to clean up New York. But to be fair, he did bring prostitution to its knees one girl at a time."
-Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Yeah. Yeah, now Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband."
-Conan O'Brien

"Do you know what the highest paid government position in this country is? Anybody know? It is working under New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. It pays like $5,000 an hour."
-Jay Leno

"Here in California, our governor doesn't have to pay for sex. When he wants it, he takes it."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"When asked why he wants to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"Her real name is Ashley Dupre. Her MySpace page says her first love is music, she wants to be a singer, and then her second love is having sex with governors for money."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex."
-The Onion

Choosing a profession:

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. So one day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1) A Bible
2) A dollar
3) A bottle of whiskey
4) A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. He picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

Monday, March 17, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY IN LOS ANGELES

Top Ten Signs it's St. Patrick's Day in Los Angeles

10. It's cheaper to fuel your H2 Hummer with Jameson Irish Whiskey than gasoline

9. Jennifer Aniston cast to star in "Leprechaun VI: The Search for Schlock"

8. Transvestites insist on celebrating "It's Pat" Day

7. Gary Busey caught drunk and talking nonsense

6. Crips & Bloods wear green bandanas for the day

5. Pot found at the end of Snoop Dogg's rainbow

4. Sit n' Sleep is REALLY having a blowout mattress sale this time, not like those other holidays

3. St. Patrick drives all of the snakes out of Hollywood

2. Variety refers to Colin Farrell's upcoming "Fast and Furious" sequel as an "Irish Car Bomb"

And the number one sign it's St. Patrick's Day in Los Angeles...

1. Happy Hour at Jason Rohrblogger's fave bar becomes amateur night

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/17/08)

And the alternate...

Democrats manage to go one day without a scandal involving gay underage senate page prostitutes laundering money in an arms-for-hostages scheme to have Halliburton supply tainted FEMA trailers to Abu Ghraib prisoners for room and waterboard

Friday, March 14, 2008

TOP TEN DOUBLE NAMES

Top Ten Double Names

10. Boutros Boutros Ghali

9. Mahi Mahi

8. Yo Yo Ma

7. Cous cous

6. So so

5. Baden Baden

4. Sirhan Sirhan

3. Bora Bora

2. Duran Duran

And the number one double name...

1. Zsa Zsa

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/14/08)

And the alternates...

Sing Sing
Dubya

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

TOP TEN CARL SAGAN QUOTES

Top Ten Carl Sagan Quotes

10. "Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep thoughts can be winnowed from deep nonsense."

9. "All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value."

8. "But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

7. "Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge."

6. "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism."

5. "I am often amazed at how much more capability and enthusiasm for science there is among elementary school youngsters than among college students."

4. "I can find in my undergraduate classes, bright students who do not know that the stars rise and set at night, or even that the Sun is a star."

3. "If we long to believe that the stars rise and set for us, that we are the reason there is a Universe, does science do us a disservice in deflating our conceits?"

2. "Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere."

And the number one Carl Sagan quote...

1. "It is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/11/08)

And the alternates...

"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."

"Our species needs, and deserves, a citizenry with minds wide awake and a basic understanding of how the world works."

"Personally, I would be delighted if there were a life after death, especially if it permitted me to continue to learn about this world and others, if it gave me a chance to discover how history turns out."

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."

"The brain is like a muscle. When it is in use we feel very good. Understanding is joyous."

"The universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human ambition."

"The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent."

"We have also arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. This is a prescription for disaster. We might get away with it for a while, but sooner or later this combustible mixture of ignorance and power is going to blow up in our faces."

"We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology."

"When you make the finding yourself - even if you're the last person on Earth to see the light - you'll never forget it."

"Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people."

"For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love."

Saturday, March 08, 2008

TOP TEN HILLARY CLINTON SECRET TURN-ONS

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Secret Turn-ons

10. Early primaries with late, late returns

9. Ex-presidents who rally

8. Inexperience

7. Republican administrations that implode during the second term

6. Bubble baths, long walks on the beach, town hall meetings

5. Candle-lit conventions

4. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and gross domestic product calculations adjusted for the U.S. Dollar's value against the Euro

3. Lincoln bedroom eyes

2. States with huge caucuses

And the number one Hillary Clinton secret turn-on...

1. The naughty feeling of a leather corset and fishnets under a smart pantsuit

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/08/08)

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

TOP TEN THINGS A MAN SHOULD NEVER DO IN THE COMPANY OF A WOMAN ACCORDING TO THE EDITORS OF MARIE CLAIRE MAGAZINE

Top Ten Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman According to the Editors of Marie Claire Magazine

10. Reveal how much your car cost

9. Clean your gun

8. Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed)

9. Refer to your mother as your best friend

7. Rap

6. Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter

5. Blow-dry your hair

4. Tip less than twenty percent

3. Celebrity impressions

2. Impressions of us

And the number one thing a man should never do in the company of a woman according to the editors of Marie Claire magazine...

1. Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical source of pleasure and satisfaction

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/05/08)

And the alternates...

Question our footwear

Forget to carry cash

Wii

Boot and rally

Scream - at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for

Talk about former exploits. Ever.

Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man

Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)

Sunday, March 02, 2008

TOP TEN WORST FOODS IN AMERICA

Top Ten Worst Foods in America

10. WORST FAST-FOOD CHICKEN MEAL - Chicken Selects Premium Breast Strips from McDonald's (5 pieces) with creamy ranch sauce. 830 Calories, 55 G fat (4.5 trans fat), 48 carbs. Add a large fries and regular soda and this seemingly innocuous chicken meal tops out at 1,710 calories.

9. WORST DRINK - Jamba Juice Chocolate Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 fl oz). 900 calories, 10 G fat, 183 carbs, 166 G sugar. Jamba Juice calls it a smoothie, MSNBC calls it a milk shake. The beverage contains as much sugar as 8 pints of Ben & Jerry's butter pecan ice cream.

8. WORST SUPERMARKET MEAL - Pepperidge Farm Roasted Chicken Pot Pie (whole pie). 1,020 calories, 64 G fat, 86 G carbs. Label may say this pie serves two, but who ever divided a small pot pie in half? Once you crack the crust, there will be no stopping.

7. WORST "HEALTHY" BURGER - Ruby Tuesday Bella Turkey Burger. 1,145 calories, 71 G fat, 56 G carbs.

6. WORST MEXICAN ENTRÉE - Chipotle Mexican Grill Chicken Burrito. 1,179 calories, 47 G fat, 125 G carbs, 2,656 mg sodium.

5. WORST KIDS MEAL - Macaroni Grill Double Macaroni 'n' Cheese. 1,210 calories, 62 G fat, 3,450 mg sodium. It's like feeding your kid 3-1/2 boxes of Kraft mac 'n' cheese.

4. WORST SANDWICH - Quiznos Classic Italian (large). 1,528 calories, 92 G fat, 4,604 mg sodium, 110 G carbs. A large homemade sandwich would more likely provided about 500 calories.

3. WORST SALAD - On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef. 1,450 calories, 102 G fat, 78 G carbs, 2,410 mg sodium. This isn't an anomaly: Five different On the Border salads on the menu contain more than 1,100 calories each.

2. WORST FAST-FOOD BURGER - Carl's Jr. (Hardee's on the East Coast) Double Six-Dollar Burger. 1,520 calories, 111 G fat. Carl's Jr. Brags it's home to this enormous sandwich, but the restaurant chain also provides convenient nutrition info on its website - so ignorance is no excuse for eating it.

And the number one worst food in America...

1. WORST DESSERT - Chili's Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream. 1,600 calories, 78 G fat, 215 G carbs. Would you eat a Big Mac for dessert? How about three? That's the calorie equivalent of this decadent dish. Clearly, Chili's customers get their money's worth.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/02/08)

And the alternates...

WORST BREAKFAST - Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed hotcakes. 1,540 calories, 77 G fat (9 G Trans fat), 198 G carbs, 109 G sugar. Five Egg McMuffins yield the same caloric cost as this stack of sugar-stuffed flapjacks, which is truly a heavy breakfast, weighing in at a hefty two pounds and a half.

WORST STEAK - Lonestar 20oz T-bone. 1,540 calories, 124 G fat. Add a baked potato and Lonestar's Signature Lettuce Wedge, and this is a 2,700 calorie blowout.

WORST CHINESE ENTRÉE - P.F. Chang's Pork Lo Mein. 1,820 calories, 127 G fat, 95 G carbs. The fat content in this dish alone provides more than 1,100 calories. And you'd have to eat almost five servings of pasta to match the number of carbs it contains. Now, do you really need five servings of pasta?

WORST CHICKEN ENTRÉE - Chili's Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce. 2,040 calories, 99 G fat, 240 G carbs. "Crispers" refers to an extra thick layer of break crumbs that soak up oil and adds unnecessary calories and carbs to these glorified chicken strips.

WORST FISH ENTRÉE - On the Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans. 2,100 calories, 130 G fat, 169 G carbs, 4,700 mg sodium. Perhaps the most misleadingly named dish in America; a dozen crunchy tacos from Taco Bell will saddle you with fewer calories.

WORST PIZZA - Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza. 2,310 calories, 162 G fat, 123 G carbs, 4,470 mg sodium. Downing this "personal" pizza is equivalent to eating 18 slices of Domino's Crunchy Thin Crust cheese pizza.

WORST PASTA - Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce. 2,430 calories, 128 G fat, 207 G carbs, 5,290 mg sodium. This meal satisfies your calorie requirements for an entire day.

WORST NACHOS - On the Border Stacked Border Nachos. 2,740 calories, 166 G fat, 191 G carbs, 5,280 mg sodium.

WORST STARTER - Chili's Awesome Blossom. 2,710 calories, 203 G fat, 194 G carbs, 6,360 mg sodium.

WORST FRIES - Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. 2,900 calories, 182 G fat, 240 G carbs. Even if you split these "starters" with three friends, you'll have downed a dinner's worth of calories before your entrée arrives.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

TOP TEN DUMBEST CELEBRITY QUOTES

Top Ten Dumbest Celebrity Quotes

10. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
-Greg Norman, Golfer

9. "You guys, line up alphabetically by height."
-Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

8. "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
-Britney Spears, in Blender Magazine (April 2004)

7. "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
-Gyrator, Chicago Rotary Club journal

6. "I'm so smart now. Everyone's always like 'take your top off'. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I'm not stupid."
-Paris Hilton (December 2003)

5. "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca, Chairman of the Chrysler corporation

4. "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

3. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

2. "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

And the number one dumbest celebrity quote...

1. "I think war is a dangerous place."
-George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. (May 7, 2003)

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/28/08)

And the alternates...

"I'm not anorexic. I'm from Texas. Are there people from Texas that are anorexic? I've never heard of one. And that includes me."
—Jessica Simpson

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything."
-Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

"I'm convinced the Beatles are partly responsible for the fall of Communism."
-Milos Forman, Film director

"When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll believe me because they weren't listening to me."
-Kylie Bax, Model/Actress, in Stuff magazine

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
-Bob Dole, former Republican presidential candidate

"It's nice, it gives you a feeling of security so that if something breaks we know we can always call a guy over and he'll bring a drill or something."
-Brooke Shields, Actress, on why it was is good to live in a co-ed dormitory when she was in college

"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
-Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-Mariah Carey, pop singer

"Predictions are difficult. Especially about the future."
-Yogi Berra, Baseball player

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
-Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice

"And now the sequence of events in no particular order."
-Dan Rather, television news anchor

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
-Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."
-Frank Bruno, Boxer

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them."
-George W. Bush

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
-George Rogers, NFL New Orleans Saint RB, when asked about the upcoming season

"I do not like this word 'bomb.' It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
-Jacques le Blanc, French ambassador on nuclear weapons

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything. My wife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them."
-Ted Turner, media mogul, on selling off his money losing properties

"They misunderestimated me."
-George W Bush, Bentonville, AR, (Nov. 6, 2000)

"Facts are stupid things."
-Ronald Reagan, former U.S. President

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We are not ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery, Former Australian cabinet minister

"Pitching is 80% of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding."
-Mickey Rivers, baseball player

"So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?"
-Michael Barrymore

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
-George Gobels

"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?"
-Christina Aguilera

Monday, February 25, 2008

HOW MANY BUSH ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Answer: Ten

10. One to deny that a light bulb is burned out

9. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed

8. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb

7. One to tell other nations that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness

6. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb

5. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner "Bulb Accomplished"

4. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark the whole time

3. One to viciously smear #4

2. One to spread talking points about how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along

And the number one answer to "how many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?"...

1. One to go on "Meet the Press" and explain there was never a light bulb that needed changing in the entire history of the glorious Bush administration, and only freedom-hating liberals spreading lies say differently

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/25/08)

And the alternates...

One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs

One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country

None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Friday, February 22, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN AN OSCAR

Top Ten Signs You are Not Going to Win an Oscar

10. Your best work was in "Big Butt Sluts 14"

9. You are the governor of the state of California or Minnesota

8. Your directorial debut involved Mentos and Diet Coke

7. The world wasn't ready for your "Hômage du Stoogé"

6. "Ebonics the Hedgehog" doesn't count as a foreign language film

5. Your script for "Porky's IV: Porkier" doesn't answer all the questions raised in "Porky's III"

4. There is no Best Supporting Douchebag category

3. Your date to the ceremony is Bubbles the Chimp

2. Your remake of "Cocoon?" - "An Incontinent Truth"

And the number one sign you are not going to win an Oscar...

1. You cast Mel Gibson and Michael Richards in the heartwarming musical, "Suga Tits n' tha Hood"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/22/08)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

TOP TEN CIGARETTE BRANDS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Cigarette Brands in Iraq

10. Salem Light-and-get-away-fast

9. Lucky Strikeforce

8. Poison Gas in a Tube

7. Infidel Matchlite 100's

6. Capri Full of Dynamite

5. Moore

4. Kool Bodies

3. Fallujah Slims

2. Camel

And the number one cigarette brand in Iraq...

1. Mosulboro

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/19/08)

And the alternates...

Abu Gauloises
Mild Parliament
Chestinfield
Dunhillah
Kentkuk
American Spirit of Democracy
Tareyton Truck
Viceroy Bremer

Saturday, February 16, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED TOM CRUISE MOVIES

Top Ten Rejected Tom Cruise Movies

10. Xenu: Warrior Princess

9. Dances with Couch

8. Thetan Worship

7. Mission Imp

6. Weird Scien-tology

5. My Dinner with Placenta

4. All the Wrong Moves

3. Katie Holmes Alone

2. Muppet from Space

And the number one rejected Tom Cruise movie...

1. The Last Risky Top Young Guns Losin' It on the Fourth of July

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/16/08)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

TOP TEN COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS

Top Ten Country and Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body but Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up with a Few

8. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know it's Me

7. I've Missed You, but My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to a Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You it's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off with My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the number one country and western song...

1. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/19/08)

And the alternates...

Get Your Biscuits in The Oven and Your Buns in Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Was Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Got in at Two with a Ten and Woke Up at Ten with a Two
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lying on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted to, I'd Be Out by Now
Please Bypass this Heart
She's Acting Single and I'm Drinking Doubles

Sunday, February 10, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED WESTERNS STARRING RAPPERS

Top Ten Rejected Westerns Starring Rappers

10. High Plains Sistah

9. The Outlaw LL Cool Josey Wales

8. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid n' Play

7. Dr. Dre, Medicine Woman

6. The Notorious Big Jake

5. The Quiet Method Man

4. How Green Was My Eminem

3. Two Mules for Sister Souljah

2. The DJ Quik and the Dead

And the number one rejected western starring a rapper...

1. Kanye Westworld

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/08)

And the alternates...

The Yellowman Who Shot Liberty Valance
Westward Ho
The Good, the Slim, and the Shady
Sugar Hill Shane
Billy the Kid Frost
André 3:10 to Yuma
Young Jeezy Guns II

Thursday, February 07, 2008

TOP TEN ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR JRTT

Top Ten Avertising Slogans for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten

10. Tonight, let it be Rohrblogger

9. Crunch all you want, we'll make Rohrblogger

8. Ribbed for her Rohrblogger

7. Tell them about the Rohrblogger, Mommy

6. Half the Rohrblogger, all the taste

5. Don't leave home without Rohrblogger

4. Absolut Rohrblogger

3. Strong and beautiful, just like Rohrblogger

2. We've secretly replaced the fine Rohrblogger normally served with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if anyone notices.

And the number one advertising slogan for Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten...

1. I liked Rohrblogger so much, I bought the company

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/07/06)

And the alternates...

With a name like Rohrblogger, it has to be good
Rohrblogger, take me away
Rohrblogger tastes good, like a Rohrblogger should
Rohrblogger, works every time
More Americans get their Rohrblogger from JRTT than from any other source
As for me and my house, we will serve the Rohrblogger
Nothing acts faster than Rohrblogger
There's always room for Rohrblogger
Is it live, or is it Rohrblogger?
Time to make the Rohrblogger
Pardon me, do you have any Rohrblogger?
Easy. Breezy. Rohrblogger.
Rohrblogger, it's everywhere you want to be
Because so much is riding on your Rohrblogger
Choosey mothers choose Rohrblogger
Leggo my Rohrblogger!
Does she or doesn't she? Only her Rohrblogger knows for sure.
A Rohrblogger is forever
Come see the softer side of Rohrblogger
Rohrblogger: the other white meat
Hungry? Why wait? Grab a Rohrblogger.
The choice of a new Rohrblogger
Ask your doctor if Rohrblogger is right for you
The un-Rohrblogger
We don't make the Rohrblogger, we make the Rohrblogger better
Let your fingers do the Rohrblogger
I can't believe I ate the whole Rohrblogger
Now 10% more Rohrbloggier!
Rohrblogger is Job 1

Monday, February 04, 2008

TOP TEN DUMBEST CALIFORNIA LAWS

As we poll ourselves here in California to cock us, I give you...

Top Ten Dumbest California Laws (...and My Snarky Remarks)

10. Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. (Or, for that matter, more than two thousand hookers at one time.)

9. Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel: Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. (That's funny, I used to pay Hollywood Blvd hookers to wear high heels, spit, and eat ice cream. On the sidewalk.)

8. San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.00.
(-"Cooter! Get mah jackrabbit gun! The streetcar's a-comin'!"
-"Now jest hold on there, I gotta git these Christmas lights down 'fore the second!")

7. In California it is against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. (However, you may be put on hold up to nine years.)

6. In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. (You may lie, but you may not cry.)

5. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. (But they may have sex with a permit if it's, you know, a really good-looking permit.)

4. Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (Or bathe in a velodrome.)

3. A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. (But new underwear is just fine. Preferably fishnets or one of those little thongs.)

2. Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. (And you may not wear a wedding ring unless you already own at least two wives.)

And the number one dumbest California law (...and my snarky remark)...

1. In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt cannot be wider than two inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. ("Honey, please sign this consent form so I may beat you with this large novelty strap.")

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/04/08)

And the alternates...

San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language." (I guess that includes all computers.)

Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String." (Ever since they hung Silly the Kid from the highest string.)

Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. (It should be illegal to live in a town called "Prunedale.")

San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. (But they may have sex without a permit. And you may also use cats and dogs to wipe off cars in a car wash.)

Friday, February 01, 2008

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SUCK

Top Ten Things that Suck

10. Car Alarms

9. Customer Service

8. Traffic

7. Vending Machines

6. Ticketmaster Fees

5. Cell Phone Cameras

4. Credit Cards

3. Commercial Airlines

2. War

And the number one thing that sucks...

1. Working for a Living

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/29/08)

And the alternates...

Nancy Grace
Junk Mail
Slow Internet Connections
Paparazzi
Batteries
Web Video
Graffiti

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

TOP TEN NEW WORDS

Top Ten New Words

10. SALAD DODGER: an overweight person

9. TESTICULATING: waving your arms around and talking sports

8. BLAMESTORMING: sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible

7. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business"

6. SEAGULL MANAGER: a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves

5. SINBAD: single working girls; i.e. Single Income, No Boyfriend And Desperate

4. 404: someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested information is not there

3. AUSSIE KISS: similar to a French kiss, but given down under

2. MYSTERY BUS: the bus that arrives at the bar on Friday night while you are in the toilet after your tenth beer, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the place is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in

And the number one new word...

1. ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/29/08)

And the alternates...

MILLENNIUM DOMES: the contents of a Wonderbra; i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there is actually nothing in there worth seeing

MYSTERY TAXI: the taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

BEER COAT: the invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am

BEER COMPASS: the invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from

SWAMP-DONKEY: a deeply unattractive person

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

WHY DID THE IRAQI CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

This one is a bit of a repeat, but I still find it funny...

Top Ten Answers to "Why Did the Iraqi Chicken Cross the Road?"

10. COALITION PROVISIONAL AUTHORITY - The fact that the chicken crossed the road shows that decision-making authority has switched to the chicken in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on, the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

9. HALLIBURTON - We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost $326,004.00.

8. U.S. ARMY MILITARY POLICE - We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken-rights violations.

7. PESHMERGA - The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in the future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck and will wear a plastic bill.

6. AL-JAZEERA - The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

5. CIA - We cannot confirm or deny any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

4. TRANSLATORS - Chicken she cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

3. ANDERSON COOPER FROM CNN - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

2. HILLARY CLINTON - Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

And the number one answer to "why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?..."

1. GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/29/07)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

TWENTY QUESTIONS

The beautiful (and atomic) Bombshell tagged me to complete a twenty-item questionnaire designed to help reflect on last year and plan ahead for this one. The hitch: Toss one question and replace it with your own, then tag a handful of friends to participate. I am tagging the San Diego Chargers.

Twenty Questions

1. At what age do you wish to marry? Ninety-five. At that age there are four women for every man. I'll have my pick of the GGILFs.

2. Which "Saved by the Bell" character are you? Mr. Belding.

3. Where is the place that you want to go the most? Narnia, a dream world of magic.

4. Which part of you do you hate the most? It's hard being this funny.

5. When you encounter a sad moment, what do you do? Heroin.

6. What are you afraid to lose the most? The piece of gum chewed by Britney that I bought on Ebay.

7. If you win $1 million, what would you do? A whole pack of Britney gum in all the flavors of the rainbow! Hoo-ah! Yeah.

8. What's your wish for the year ahead? Two words: President Federline

9. How did you celebrate the New Year? Partied like it was 1999.

10. Why did you start blogging and why will you continue to do so in 2008? I blog, therefore I am.

11. Which type of person do you hate the most? Meme stealers, ironic listers, and lazy punsters.

12. What is your ambition? Madonna's Blond

13. If you had one wish what would you wish for? Hello? More wishes. Duh!

14. Name a body part your significant other tells you she adores: My isles of Langerhans.

15. What is the best gift you can give someone this year? Spice rack.

16. List two of your New Year's resolutions: 1. Finally master the theremin. 2. Boob job.

17. A picture that pretty much sums 2007 for you: Click here.

18. What are two things you were most thankful for in 2007 that will make you even happier in 2008? Parole and Hot Pockets

19. What was the best lesson you learned in 2007? Never ever take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

20. Are you doing what you thought you'd be doing at this stage in your life? I really thought I'd be doing Jennifer Aniston by now. But it's enough to hide in her bushes once in awhile...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/20/08)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

TOP TEN THINGS THIS GUY IS SAYING ON HIS CELL PHONE



Top Ten Things This Guy Is Saying on His Cell Phone

10. Do these neon fishnets make me look ridiculous?

9. My gumballs itch

8. Meet you in the lobby, Senator

7. Hey little kid, I have candy

6. You should see where the Hershey's comes out

5. Someone just put a quarter in my slot

4. Next year I want a low carb costume

3. Sorbitol, gum base, soy lecithin, SPF 45

2. Dad, why do you always call me a candy ass?

And the number one thing this guy is saying on his cell phone...

1. I went in for a gastric bypass and came out with huge pom poms

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/03/07)

Monday, January 14, 2008

TOP TEN ITEMS IN THE 1977 JC PENNEY CATALOG THAT I AM NOT MAKING UP

Today's post was stolen wholesale from 15 Minute Lunch.

Top Ten Items in the 1977 JC Penney Catalog that I am Not Making Up




10. My new dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels.




9. Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom...




8. Here is how to get your ass kicked in elementary school.




7. Here is how to get your ass kicked in high school.




6. How to get your ass kicked on the golf course.


This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it is slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rape.

5.
If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he does not, although you can tell just by looking at them that it has happened - or if it has not happened it will. Oh yes, it will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

4.
If you wear this suit and do not sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you would be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

3.
Dear god in heaven, I do not believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you are working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

2. In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.


As does your search for chest hair.

And the number one item in the 1977 JC Penney catalog that I am not making up...

1.
I am guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/13/08)

And the alternates...

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I am guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?







And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."


Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits.


Man, that is sexy.

Friday, January 11, 2008

TOP TEN REJECTED MUPPET MOVIES

Top Ten Rejected Muppet Movies

10. The Rainbow French Connection

9. Miss Piggy Sue Got Married

8. The Great Muppet Raper

7. My Dinner with Yoda

6. The Sound of Muppets

5. Breakin' Muppets II: Electric Mayhem Boogaloo

4. A-muppican Pie

3. Das Kermit

2. An Inconvenient Dr. Tooth

And the number one rejected Muppet movie...

1. Muppets vs Predator

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/11/08)

And the alternates...

A Nightmare on Sesame Street
Statler and Waldorf's Bogus Journey
Gonzo, Baby, Gonzo
Dr. Strangepork
Bad News Fozzie Bears
Wild at Hog
Janice Doesn't Live Here Anymore
It's a Big Big Big Big Bird
Fozzie Balboa
Stop or My Mom Will Zoot
King Rowlf
The Cook, the Swedish Chef, His Wife, and Her Lover
Give My Beauregards to Broadway
Sam the Iron Eagle II
Night of the Living Muppets
Leave it to Beaker
Bert and Earnest Goes to Camp
Texas Chainsaw Muppecre

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

TOP TEN AL QAEDA BOWLING TEAM NAMES

Top Ten Al Qaeda Bowling Team Names

10. Holy Bowlers

9. Osama Pin Laden

8. Axis of Bowl W-Evil

7. Spare-it of Islam

6. 72 Frames in Heaven

5. Death to Israel Except on Wednesday Nights

4. 9-11 Split

3. Pull the Pins

2. Ayatollahs of Rockin' Bowlers

And the number one Al Qaeda bowling team name...

1. Nuclear Bowlacaust

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/01/08)

And the alternates...

E-Bowl-a
Abowlcalypse Now

Saturday, January 05, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN LOVE ACCORDING TO POP CULTURE

Top Ten Signs You are in Love According to Pop Culture

10. You are cuckoo for his Cocoa Puffs

9. You can't handle her jelly

8. You like your chocolate in his peanut butter

7. She puts your boy on rock, rock

6. He always asks for a second cup of your coffee at home

5. You sing the body electric, the armies of those you love engirth you and you engirth them

4. He makes your brown eyes blue

3. You can stand under her umbrella

2. You can't fight this feeling anymore. You've forgotten what you started fighting for.

And the number one sign you are in love according to pop culture...

1. Her milkshake always brings you to the yard

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/05/08)

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

TOP TEN LESSONS ON PROFESSOR ROHRBLOGGER'S CLASS SYLLABUS

Top Ten Lessons on Professor Rohrblogger's Class Syllabus

10. Listory: History of the List

9. Throw-away Line Myths

8. Recycling Crusty Madonna Gags into Paris Hilton Tags

7. Stealing from Carlos Mencia

6. Stretching One Thin Premise into Ten Punch Lines

5. Inappropriate Innuendo

4. Snark

3. Bad Puns

2. Replacing a Joke with Folger's Crystals

And the number one lesson on Professor Rohrblogger's class syllabus...

1. Blogging Your Way to Productivity Collapse

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/02/08)