TOP TEN WORST ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME

Top Ten Worst Album Covers of All Time

10.


9.


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5.


4.


3.


2.


And the number one worst album cover of all time...

1.


-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/12/07)

And the alternates...

FIFTY RANDOM CELEBRITY FACTS

I stole this from Linky & Dinky...

Fifty Random Celebrity Facts

50. George Clooney sometimes sleeps in the walk-in closet of his L.A. mansion because, he says, "all the bedrooms are too light."

49. In 1985, Teri Hatcher played a dancing mermaid on The Love Boat. "That was the first job I ever had" she says. "I left college before finishing my math degree to go do that."

48. While attending Princeton, Prison Break star Wentworth Miller traveled the world performing with the school's acapella group, The Princeton Tigertones.

47. Matthew Perry is missing part of his middle finger on his right hand due to a door-shutting accident.

46. Diane Lane's mom, Colleen Farrington, was playboy's Miss October 1957 (the ex playmate was also pregnant in one of her photo shoots.)

45. Early in her career, Whitney Houston sang the jingle used in commercials for Bounce fabric sheets.

44. A childhood virus left Rob Lowe completely deaf in his right ear. "No stereo for me," he says. "It's a mono world."

43. Even though she appears in ads for Tommy Hilfiger's True Star fragrances, Beyoncé is reportedly allergic to perfume.

42. After Drew Barrymore posed for Playboy in 1995, Steven Spielberg sent a note that said "cover yourself up" along with a quilt and a copy of the magazine with all her pictures altered so that she appeared fully clothed.

41. Jake Gyllenhaal got his first driving lesson from family friend Paul Newman.

40. At age 10, Justin Timberlake won 1991 pre-teen Mr. America pageant. The following year, he became the first male winner of America's Universal Charm pageant.

39. Before becoming an actress, Aussie Naomi Watts worked as an assistant fashion editor at a fashion magazine called Follow Me.

38. Colin Farrell says that Marilyn Monroe was the first woman he fell in love with. "I used to leave Smarties, the Irish equivalent of M&Ms, under my pillow with a little note saying, "I know you're dead but these are very tasty and you should come and have a few. I wont tell anyone."

37. Gwen Stefani admits that she's had only two boyfriends in her life: No Doubt band mate Tony Kanal and husband Gavin Rossdale.

36. As a second grader Jamie Foxx was so talented at telling jokes, his teacher used him as a reward. If the class behaved, Jamie would entertain them.

35. Butt-kicking Kill Bill siren Uma Thurman is a crafty one. "I knit" she admits, adding "I love glue gun projects."

34. Keira Knightley was Queen Amidala's decoy in Star Wars: Episode 1 though the film was promoted as if Natalie Portman played both roles.

33. Though Christina Aguilera is of Ecuadorian descent and recorded an album in Spanish, she doesn't speak the language. I gathered that when she said mai gousta kantaar

32. In 1993, Jessica Simpson tried out for the Mickey Mouse Club but panicked after watching Christina Aguilera audition. "I froze and forgot everything," she says. She lost out to both Christina and Britney Spears.

31. Eva Longoria starred in the 2004 flick Carlita's Secret, a crime drama in which she shared a same-sex smooch with actress Maria Bravo. "It was the most fun I've ever had kissing somebody."

30. In the early 70s, Richard Gere played Danny Zuko in a London production of Grease.

29. Tom Cruise admits that he still does the Risky Business underwear dance when hes at home alone. He calls it his "dance of freedom."

28. As a child, Jim Carrey wore tap shoes to bed just in case his parents needed cheering up in the middle of the night.

27. Christina Applegate attended the 1989 MTV Movie Awards with Brad Pitt, but dumped him at the event and left with someone else. "We were really good friends when I was about sixteen. We went to the awards and I ditched him! I left him there and I feel really bad about it...I really really do. I left with somebody else."

26. In a high school talent show, Matt Damon performed the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House."

25. Mariah Carey was nicknamed "Mirage" in high school because she never showed up for class.

24. Angelina Jolie's uncle who looks just like John Voight, Chip Taylor, wrote the song "Wild Thing."

23. Catherine Zeta Jones' father owned a candy factory, but the star says she rarely indulged: "I had so many sweets and candy hanging around my house that I never even bothered with them."

22. Comic actor Jack Black is the son of rocket scientists. His mother worked on the Hubble telescope, and his father worked on "some stuff that I can't tell you about," Jack says.

21. Jennifer Love Hewitt sent Matt Damon an inflatable bed because she read he didn't feel like he has a bed of his own. She never heard back and now, he "looks at me a little weird."

20. At the age of seven, Reese Witherspoon appeared in a television commercial for a local Nashville Florist.

19. Paris Hilton has size 11 feet! "All those super cute shoes like Guccis and Monolos look like clown shoes on me."

18. Russell Crowe was once a pompadoured singer named Russ Le Roq. His first single was "I Want to be Like Marlon Brando"...even though he'd never seen a Brando movie when he wrote the song.

17. Madonna is related to both Gwen Stefani and Celine Dion. Gwen's great aunt's mother-in-law shares the same last name as Madonna Ciccone, and an ancestor of Madonna's mother was married to a distant relative of Celine's dad.

16. Grey's Anatomy star Patrick Dempsey began his career as a juggling unicycle-riding clown.

15. Tara Reid attended high school in New Jersey with American Idol contestant Constantine Maroulis.

14. Julia Roberts' left eye tears up when she gets nervous.

13. Struggling actress Charlize Theron landed her first agent in a bank. He signed her after witnessing her throwing a fit at a bank teller who refused to cash her check.

12. When he was little, Ben Affleck asked his mom for a dog and she tested him by making him walk an imaginary pup for a week. In the end, he only lasted five days and didn't get the dog.

11. Brittany Murphy claims she started speaking at four-and-half-months. She also says she was a very "energetic child, really bubbly...extremely precocious."

10. Demi Moore, who has earned up to $20 million per movie, first found work as a bill collector.

9. Heidi Klum is an avid painter and several of her works have appeared in U.S. art magazines.

8. Daryl Hannah is co-creator of the board game Liebrary

7. Both Olsen twins had to wear fake teeth during the later years of Full House because their smiles began to look different.

6. In 1985, a four-year-old Alicia Keys appeared on The Cosby Show as one of the guests at Rudy's slumber party.

5. Usher holds the Star Search record for the longest note by a child: 12.1 seconds.

4. Claire Danes has a swing in her apartment. "My parents had a swing, a trapeze and a trampoline in their apartment, I was inspired by that."

3. American Beauty star Thora Birch's mom acted in twenty one adult films, including Deep Throat, under the name Carol Connors before retiring in 1993.

2. Halle Berry used to date New Kid on the Block Danny Wood. They broke up because the band thought she was a groupie.

And the number one unimportant celebrity fact...

1. Brad Pitt belonged to the Key Club and the Forensics Club in high school, and before he became an actor he supported himself as a chauffeur, a furniture mover and a costumed mascot for the restaurant, El Pollo Loco.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/07)

TOP TEN JOB OFFERS FOR BORIS YELTSIN

Note: Since Boris Yeltsin recently passed away, I thought I'd dust off this crusty old list from 1998 full of well-aged references...

Top Ten Job Offers for Boris Yeltsin

10. President, Lincoln Savings and Loan, Whitewater, Arkansas

9. TV pitchman for Certs with Yeltsin

8. National spokesperson "Don't Drink and Govern" campaign

7. Best two-out-of-three in WCW cage match with Bullwinkle Moose

6. Mayor, Washington DC

5. Honorary chairman, Leaders of Crumbling Empires Anonymous

4. Bayonette dummy, Islamabad training base, Afghanistan

3. Experimental melatonin transplant recipient

2. Team owner, New York Yankees

And the number one job offer for Boris Yeltsin...

1. Play himself, opposite Jo Beth Williams, in the made-for-TV movie on Lifetime

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/29/98)

TOP TEN FICTIONAL BANDS OF ALL TIME

Top Ten Fictional Bands of All Time

10. Stillwater

9. Eddie and the Cruisers

8. The Flower People

7. Tucson Rockers

6. Moist and the Towelettes

5. Cotton Candy

4. Johnny Casino & The Gamblers

3. M.C. Safety and the Cauton Crew

2. Spinal Tap

And the number one fictional band of all time...

1. Sexual Chocolate

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/07)

And the alternates...

Motherboy
Beans and Frank
Mystery

TOP TEN WORST MUSIC IDEAS EVER

This was stolen wholesale from Spinner

Top Ten Worst Music Ideas Ever

10. U2's Blue Light Special - Q: What's funnier than mocking your American fans for their mindless consumerism?
A: Their refusal to buy your stinkin' products.

U2 announced the crass spectacle known as the PopMart tour -- with a stage boasting a massive McDonald's-like golden arch -- at a Kmart. Said Bono, smug in a black leather jacket and tinted sunglasses, "It costs a fortune to look this trashy." The CD was the band's worst-selling in 14 years, and, despite U2's plan to sell out, many tour stops did not.

9. The Bens - "Hey, check it out: My name is Ben, your name is Ben, and see that
dude over there behind the piano?
B-E-freakin'-N!" And just like that, the talented Mr. Lee, Mr. Kweller and Mr. Folds became indie-rock supergroup the Bens. Unfortunately, as evident by their tepid 2003 EP (mystifyingly not titled 'All About the Benjamins'), the sum wasn't exactly greater than the parts and the Bens disbanded after one tour of Lee's native Australia.

8. That New Car Smell - The checklist for the 2006 Cars reunion tour: two Cars sidemen desperate for a payday? Check. A gaggle of folks who have nothing to do with the hit-making '80s New Wave band, including, for some reason, Todd Rundgren? Check. The two guys who actually wrote and sang everything? Well, considering Ric Ocasek's nonpresence due to his successful career as a producer, and Benjamin Orr gracefully bowing out because he's dead... Balderdash! Who needs 'em? Behold the New Cars -- a smash hit, like New Coke.

7. Frampton Comes Together - While 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' is often cited as rock's finest album, the movie musical it inspired was even more powerful -- it killed the careers of all the musicians it touched. Peter Frampton, fresh off the best-selling live album in history, teamed with the Bee Gees, fresh off the best-selling movie soundtrack in history, to play the band. Throughout the wretched spectacle (see trailer, left), all four committed crimes against manliness, and they paid afterward by not being able to get arrested.

6. NetAid - Whether or not Bono can save the world, the U2 frontman's charity single with Wyclef Jean, 'New Day' -- which, after its 'TRL' debut, never charted again -- wasn't enough to save the train wreck that was NetAid. In 1999, the U.N. and Cisco Systems cashed in on the multi-city festival moneymaker, tapping "hip" artists like the Eurythmics, the Corrs and Bryan Adams to perform as part of a live Internet webcast. The Web site racked in only 2.4 million hits, humiliatingly short of the anticipated 1 billion.

5. Singled Out - If one hit song can make you a rock 'n' roll star, imagine what five can do. So went the thinking of marketing geniuses at Columbia Records in 1967. However, when the label released five singles from San Francisco rockers Moby Grape's self-titled debut on the same day, two things happened: 1. Hippies smelled The Man behind the promotion plan, triggering a backlash, 2. Radio stations didn't know which single to play, and all five tanked. Drug and legal problems followed, and by 1971 Moby Grape were beached.

4. Metallica Cut Their Hair - When Metallica got haircuts in 1996, fans of the ferocious metal gods wondered if they had accidentally clipped off another of their body parts. Lockless for the release of 'Load,' the once rough-edged rockers went all kinds of soft, protesting fan-friendly services like Napster, trying their hand at sobriety and enrolling in therapy to talk about their "feelings." Dudes, that's not rock 'n' roll. That's emo. Next thing you know, they'll be braiding each other's... oh, wait.

3. Beach Boys & Fat Boys - By 1987 the Beach Boys were a bit hit-starved. So in desperation, the former '60s surf-music kings teamed up with one-joke hip-hop novelty trio the Fat Boys for a sung-and-rapped version of the instrumental 'Wipeout.' Be forewarned: The song's video (left) is not a pretty sight, unless you groove on morbid obesity and bald guys in Hawaiian shirts. But the record gods clearly have a warped sense of humor, as a year later the Beach Boys' equally wretched but mercifully rap-free 'Kokomo' made it to No. 1.

2. Whitney Tries Crack - Allegedly. Remember, Whitney Houston told Diane Sawyer in 2002 that the drug is "wack," and that she makes too much money to mess with it. Whatever she's been ingesting, it hasn't helped her career, as the seven-time Grammy-winning singer hasn't released an album in half a decade. She's supposedly working on new material, and we imagine she'll have a new single done as soon as she can think of another word that ends in "ack."

And the number one worst music idea ever...

1. Garth Brooks Is Chris Gaines - It's lonely at the top. And lonely people often concoct imaginary friends. That may explain why, in 1999, country übermegastar Garth Brooks ditched his Stetson and western-cut shirt for a wig from the Reznor Collection and a pasted-on soul patch to transform himself into moody rock god Chris Gaines. A fake 'Behind the Music,' 'SNL' and a "greatest hits" album by "Gaines" followed, yet no one but a few eager psychiatrists gave a whit.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/26/07)

And the alternates...

Milli Vanilli: The Movie - First there was 'Ray,' then there was 'Walk the Line' and soon . . . 'Blame It on the Rain'? That's right, Universal Pictures is working on bringing the inspiring epic story of Milli Vanilli to the big screen. We can hear the trailer voice over now: "Two men, five monster hit singles - and it all came crashing down with one skipped tape. Girl, you know it's true." There is no word yet on whether the actors will do their own singing.

Willie Goes Reggae - Is the mere concept of Willie Nelson recording a reggae album, to quote his classic song, crazy? Well, like the Rastafarians, the country music legend has beef with the government, sports a curious hairstyle and worships a particular sacramental herb. So what went wrong? Perhaps the fact that it was Willie Nelson recording a reggae album! And the record was begun in 1995 but didn't appear till 2005, which meant Willie had four, maybe five lucid moments in which to change his mind.

Worst of Both Worlds - Two superstars, one facing child porn charges, plus hot ladies and a whole lotta pyro, for a tour hyped as the 'Best of Both Worlds'... what could go wrong? Well, it started when R. Kelly stopped mid-song at Madison Square Garden, claiming he saw two audience members with guns. Jay-Z's posse responded by spraying Kelly with pepper spray. Jigga then booted Kelly from the tour. After a little name-calling and lawsuit-tossing, you get why nobody ever asked these guys to play Lilith Fair.

The Great Pumpkin Ad - OK, so it's one thing to bare your soul on your MySpace blog. But a full-page ad in Chicago's two biggest newspapers? That's tacky. In 2005 Billy Corgan paid no mind when, on the release day of his solo album 'The Future Embrace,' the bald-headed tunesmith bled his heart dry with plans to "renew and revive" his former band the Smashing Pumpkins. The reunion still hasn't happened, but Corgan did manage to torpedo his solo career - 'Embrace' has yet to sell 75,000 copies.

Mariah Goes Glitter - "In music, she found her dream, her love, herself." Ironic tag line for this flick, considering two things: 1. Mariah Carey checked herself into a hospital during the movie's promotion, amid terrible reviews, citing "emotional and physical exhaustion," and 2. The Grammy-winning pop diva's label paid her $28 million to go away when the 'Glitter' soundtrack tanked. If Carey's incoherent babbling and half-naked TV appearances weren't ominous signs enough, the soundtrack had a release date of September 11, 2001.

TOP TEN DISNEYLAND RIDES IF DISNEY WAS BOUGHT OUT BY DON IMUS

Top Ten Disneyland Rides if Disney Was Bought Out by Don Imus

10. Dumho the Flying Elephant

9. Pirates of the Nappibbean

8. It's a Small Ho

7. Haunty-headed Mansion

6. Auhopia

5. Many Adventures of Nappie the Pooh

4. Big Thunder Mountain Railho

3. Alice in Nappyland

2. Rutger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin

And the number one Disneyland ride if Disney was bought out by Don Imus...

1. The Matterho

-Jason Rohrblogger and Atomic Bombshell
(04/25/07)

And the alternates...

Star Hoes
Space Naptain
Buzz Napyear's Afro Blasters

YUMMY SUSHI REDUX

Perhaps you've seen this "interview other bloggers" meme floating around from blog to blog. If not, the basic gist of it is that another blogger writes five questions for you and you answer them. I tagged myself over at Yummy Sushi Pajamas.

1. How did you get into the top ten business?
I stole it wholesale from David Letterman. One of Letterman's early writers, Merrill Markoe, stole the idea wholesale from The Book of Lists. A little known fact about my site: the main title of every list is a blind link to something on the internet that I think is amusing. Letterman can't do that.

2. Describe your ideal woman, without referencing famous people.
Do you count as famous? Cause you're pretty ideal. I mean, besides the fact that you're already married, live on the East Coast, and want to move to Italy...

3. What's your favorite book and why?
This is a deceptively difficult question for me. There are SO MANY books I enjoy. When I am struggling with a challenge, one of my coping mechanisms is to write a list. So...herewith are Jason's Top Ten Fave Books of All Time

10. The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost

This book came to me as a birthday present from fellow blogger Jenn over at Let the Wild Rumpus Start. Jenn is a married mother of one from Kansas who I have never met. Somehow she picked out the very book that would make me laugh the hardest.

A young man just starting his career abruptly quits his job to follow his girlfriend to an isolated South Pacific Island where they encounter malnutrition, pestilence, disease, sharks and near death in a open raft on the sea. It's absolutely hilarious. I kid you not. The title is misleading. There is no sex and not one cannibal. The funniest passage in the travelogue is when the author is trying to bring his cat to the island veterinarian to get fixed:

"If you have never driven a manual-shifting car alone with an uncaged cat, I recommend that you go to great lengths to avoid the experience. I deluded myself into thinking that the cat would sit quietly in the passenger seat, but in fact moments after I started the car he found his way to the top of my head, which he used as a perch to launch himself toward the window, which sadly for him, was closed, causing him to experience a not inconsiderable amount of panic, which he manifested by ripping me to shreds, pausing only to relieve himself."

9. Rogue Warrior by Richard Marcinko

This is a combat memoir by a disgraced alcoholic Navy SEAL. He's writing from federal prison where they incarcerated him for "misappropriating funds." This book is heavy on the testosterone. It's supposedly non-fiction but half the shit is lies and the other half is made up. Women tend to put it down and never pick it up again. Men burn through the pages. It's good shit.

8. Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer

You know how some disaster will happen, like a perfect storm, and then a journalist or investigative reporter will interview the survivors and research the event and write a killer book? Now, imagine that reporter is also a participant in the disaster... Jon Krakauer was one of the hikers on the fatal 1996 Everest attempt. He describes in detail what it's like to be lost, frozen, and out of oxygen, then leave your teammates to die while you struggle back to base camp.

7. Shadow Divers by Robert Kurson

The 100% absolute true story of a group of recreational divers who, in 1991, discover an undisturbed Nazi submarine sunken off the coast of New Jersey. Then they solve the mystery of the suicide mission that placed it there.

6. Band of Brothers by Stephen Ambrose

An honest, page-turning, history of the 101st Airborne in Europe in World War II. This book captures what it feels like to fight and die far, far away from home. When they reach Hitler's mountain hideout and discover what is there at the end of the book, it's one of the most satisfying non-fiction endings ever.

5. Papillon by Henri Charrière

The supposedly non-fiction account of a French prisoner sent to a penal colony in South America. This is another book that is so incredible that it can only be half true. However, it's probably the most outrageous half of the story that is the true part.

4. Green Beach by James Leasor

Sometimes books find you. One day I'm rummaging through boxes of old John Jakes paperbacks at an outdoor Rotary Club book sale. I come across an ancient library book from 1975 called "Green Beach." The little borrower pocket is still glued on the inside of the front cover. The spine is broken and some pages are trying to escape. I love a crusty war story as much as the next History Channel junkie so I pay the 99¢ and take my book home. It turns out to be this incredible non-fiction gem about a Canadian Regiment from Saskatchewan in WWII who invade Nazi-held mainland Europe a year before the Normandy landing to covertly test out a top secret development called RADAR. Most of them die. Horribly. Who knew Canadians were such military bad asses? I mailed my copy to my cousin from Saskatchewan and it's one of his most prized possessions. The writing is a little stilted and the author can be repetitive, but the story itself is worth it.

3. Love My Rifle More than You by Kayla Williams

This is a modern combat memoir from an Arab-speaking female U.S. Army soldier in Iraq. She has to deal with all of the feminine issues (sex, workplace harassment, diet, birth control, etc...) but in a combat zone which heightens all the tension. At one point she is holding off a desperately amorous and aggressive fellow soldier with her M-16. You'll have to read the book to find out if she pulls the trigger or not. This one is a must-read for the ladies. And yes, she participates in humiliating detainees during interrogations and describes in detail what that feels like.

2. Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck

A Harvard-trained sociologist exposes the sexual attitudes of the male-dominated Mormon Church towards women and children. She goes through soul-crushing therapy over possible abuse from her own father. This is one of those books where every page is the most incredible, disgusting thing you have ever read, until you get to the NEXT page. Almost every paragraph is a controversial bombshell. This book has it's own response from the Mormon Church written by members of the author's own family!

And Jason's number one fave book of all time...

1. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver

This is the first fiction to make the list and it comes in at number one. An American family of missionaries goes to the Congo in the 1950's. The story reveals the history of Africa, religion, politics, gender, and family relations. It reads so much like non-fiction that by the time "Blood Diamond" came out, I already knew all of the issues raised from reading this book. The author lives in my hometown of Tucson, AZ, but that's not why you should read this book. You should read this book because it's one of the few novels that you wish would keep going when it ends. I have read one other book of hers Prodigal Summer. It's a fluffy, earthy romp with some steamy sex scenes between a hunter and a female park ranger. Obviously The Poisonwood Bible is meant to be Kingsolver's magnum opus. If you only read one book...

And the alternates...

The Onion Field by Joseph Wambaugh

The events in this book take place in the 1950's and the book was written in the early 1970's but it still reads like it could have happened yesterday. Two small-time thieves take two LAPD detectives hostage and fatally shoot one of them. The events that follow are unbelievable and apparently 100% true. The author tells the story chronologically so it takes about 150 pages to get to the good part. Stick with it, the ending is your reward.

In the Heart of the Sea by Nathaniel Philbrick

This one is worth the read just for the detailed description of 19th Century whaling ships and how they worked. Sounds boring, right? You can't put it down. He sketches the transformation of Nantucket's Quaker churchmen into foul-mouthed sailors drenched in whale blood. Then one of the ships gets rammed by an enraged sperm whale and sinks. The survivors have to eat each other, and how they decide who gets to live and who becomes dinner will blow you away. Also: it's 100% non-fiction.

Under and Alone by William Queen

William Queen is a real-life ATF Special Agent who infiltrates the Mongols Motorcycle Gang in the San Fernando Valley north of Los Angeles. Of course, he is the one telling the story, but even accounting for that, this dude is one bad motorfinger. Not only does he give you a blow-by-blow of all the blows, he tells you how he feels the whole time. I wept. The author has since had to go into hiding in the Witness Protection Program as there is a standing hit out on him in the worldwide Outlaw Motorcycle Gang community. To this day, they are still prosecuting bad guys nationwide from this guy's work! Apparently it is being made into a movie with Mel Gibson attached to play William Queen. Too bad, I would have rather seen Willie Nelson play him...

The Falcon and the Snowman by Robert Lindsey

A true story about a drug dealer and top secret satellite technician who sell American secrets to the Soviets during the cold war. The main characters grew up down the street from where I live now and there are scenes in the book that take place on the sidewalk outside my current address. Also? They spend time in Tucson where I grew up and attend a local church there I am totally familiar with. Scary.

Over the Edge: The True Story of Four American Climbers' Kidnap and Escape in the Mountains of Central Asia by Greg Child

Four young American mountaineers are taken hostage by militant Islamic extremists in the Pamir Alai region of Kyrgyzstan. They escape their punishing captivity by pushing one of their armed captors over a cliff. The author's writing style is wooden at times, but the entire read is worth it for the one scene where the only female survivor is filling out a preliminary questionnaire at a therapist's office and in the space labeled "reason for visit" she puts "taken hostage by militant Islamic extremists in Kyrgyzstan. Had to escape by pushing a guy over a cliff."

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers

This guy loses both of his parents to cancer back to back. Then he has to raise his younger brother. The weird part? You laugh while you cry. He breaks all the rules of writing: he's self-reflexive, mixes fiction and non-fiction, goes off on long dead-end tangents, doesn't have a beginning, middle, or end. Yet this book works. And I'm not just saying that because Dave Eggers published one of my lists in his popular online literary magazine McSweeney's.

Black Hawk Down: A Story of Modern War by Mark Bowden

I love to say the title of this book as one word: Blackhawkdown. This is the story of unwanted American military intervention that didn't work. So we GOT OUT. That's right: we left. Clinton cut and run. And you know what? America isn't threatened by Somali warlords anymore. Mark Bowden describes what it feels like to be holed up in a third-world alley while an entire hostile city tries to kill you all night long and you are trying to close your buddy's femoral artery while he dies. Then you miss the last Humvee out of Dodge and you have to run for your life to a Pakistani stronghold while hot lead dances in the air. You know you are in a hellhole when the only safety is provided by Pakistanis. One of the soldiers in the book remarks that in the movies, you hear endless gunfire in the battle scenes, but that in real life one yahoo at the end of a street with an AK-47 can hold up an entire column of American infantry until he is dealt with. Mark Bowden has also written another non-fiction page-turner called Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World's Greatest Outlaw about the capture and death of major drug dude Pablo Escobar. Good times. Good times.

Vengeance: The True Story of an Israeli Counter-Terrorist Team by George Jonas

If you've bothered to read this far you have figured out that I like non-fiction books that describe how it feels to deal with extraordinary events. This book details how it feels to be an assassin. And it is dark. I was actually depressed for a week after reading this book and it is about the good guys. There is one freak-ay scene involving a prostitute/assassin who kills her johns. Then she is killed later in a silenced shootout on a houseboat. It sounds like something out of Ian Fleming, but it is just disturbing and wrong. This whole book is disturbing and wrong.

I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb

The only other work of fiction on my list. This novel made Oprah's Book Club but I like it anyway. Wally Lamb is a white male American author working today who writes about 19th Century Palermo, Italy lesbians like he is one. This guy nails characters so perfectly I could swear he knows my father and half the women I've dated (no, I haven't dated any Italian lesbians. But not for lack of trying). This one is a must-read for anybody touched by alcoholism, cancer, or has an immigrant ancestor. So that's just about everybody.

Working: My Life as a Prostitute by Dolores French

The author actually likes being a prostitute and gives the reader insight into what it feels like to work in a high-volume Caribbean brothel. Ever wonder what it's like to deliver a large load of drugs to an Arab businessman in Manhattan and then blow him? Ever want to consecutively entertain three dozen sailors on leave? Ever want to get paid to spank the shit out of a naked man? She'll tell you how.

-Heather, now are you sorry you asked what my favorite book was?


4. Name two things you cannot do without.
Sarcasm and e-mail

5. Boxers or briefs?
Loincloths for work, pantyhose on the weekend...

Top five rules, if you'd like to participate in this as well:

5. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!"
4. I will respond by e-mailing you five questions. I get to pick them, and you have to answer them all.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
2. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

And the number one rule, if you'd like to participate in this as well...

1. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/19/07)

TOP TEN BIBLICAL HORROR MOVIES

Top Ten Biblical Horror Movies

10. I Know What You Did Last Supper

9. I Beheld Then Because of the Voice of the Great Words Which the Horn Spake: I Beheld Even Till the Beast Was Slain, and His Body Destroyed, and Given to the Burning Flame

8. Onan the Barbarian

7. Zechariah the 13th

6. Invasion of the Body Judges

5. Children of the Chronicles

4. Texas Chainsaw Maccabees

3. The Little Psalm of Horrors

2. John of the Dead

And the number one biblical horror movie...

1. The Exodusorcist

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/09/07)

JASON MAKES CELEBRITY SMACK AGAIN

All hail Spicy Pants who linked to my Top Ten Rejected Taverns list in her Spicy Weekend Link Love post. What can I say? Spicy Pants is the best looking gossip blogger on the internet and clearly knows talent when she sees it...

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS OR PRISONS

Professional Wrestler or Prison?

10. Super Max

9. Wadi Ayoub

8. Abu Ghraib

7. Big Nasty

6. Big Sandy

5. Argentina Rocca

4. Pollock Grant Parish

3. Jack Brickhouse

3. Jesup Brunswick

2. The Beast

And the number one professional wrestler or prison...

1. The Rock

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/07)

Answer:
Odd numbers = professional wrestlers
Even numbers = prisons
Number one (above) = both

And the alternates...

1. Golga
2. Bastille
3. Latino Heat
4. Jericho
5. Thuganomics
6. Al Wathba
7. Nikita Koloff
8. Aktion Reinhard
9. Torbellino Blanco
10. Riker's Island
11. Yukon Braxton
12. Forrest Low
13. Con Bruno
14. Kansas City
15. The Crusher
16. Moshannon
17. El Gran Davis
18. El Reno
19. Ilio DiPaolo
20. Coleman II
21. Espanto I
22. CI Taft
23. Soldat Gorky
24. Maitland Gaol
25. Sangre India
26. Banja Luka
27. Masakazu Fukuda
28. La Sante

Fun prison names I found while writing this list:
Butner Camp
Yankton
La Tuna
Yazoo
Schylkill
Admax
Waseca
Herlon
Fort Dix

TOP TEN SIGNS IT IS EASTER IN IRAQ

Top Ten Signs It Is Easter in Iraq

10. Jesus wakes up in tomb after three days; hits snooze bar, rolls over, and sleeps for two more Millennia

9. Children search for pastel-colored hand grenades

8. Shia's dip their chocolate in Sunni's peanut butter

7. Remote-detonated roadside bombs loaded with festive plastique grass

6. Fave jellybean flavor? Sarin nerve gas

5. Ambushes conducted in bright new camouflage battle dress for Spring

4. Spring Break + Tigris and Euphrates = "Kurds Gone Wild"

3. At deeply somber Green Zone Passover Seder, George Bush pledges to sacrifice his firstborn to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob

2. Easter eggs buried in mass grave

And the number one sign it is Easter in Iraq...

1. Allah Bunny gently reminds folks of the real reason for the season: Death to America!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/06/07)

And the alternates...

Cadbury Eggs fertilized with yellowcake uranium from Nigeria

Pentagon develops new long-range surface-to-air marshmallow peeps. (Insert your own weapon-of-ass-destruction tag line here)

JASON ROHRLOGGER'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM "THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TISH"

Here's a plug for my latest internet crush. Tisha Sharp blogs about the usual sick kids, errant puppies, and lack of sleep. She's worth blogrolling, however, solely for her posts about work. She's employed in a convalescent home. Now, I love a good dick joke, poop story, or awkward masturbation reference as much as the next juvenile laptop junkie. And she delivers. Enjoy...

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Lines from The World According to Tish

10. "Lemme tell you, brothers and sisters, I have been places you ain't never been." Monique singsonged into a Mr. Microphone. "Sex, drugs, rock and roll, oh yes, people! ...I didn't need Jesus when I was having sex with two men, no ma'am! I thought all that rubbing, all that touching and bumping was what love was all about."

9. I barely could understand what the diminutive French man said, but I took offense to his hand gestures so I had to slap him. Good thing National Enquirer photogs were nowhere near.

8. Then yes, I danced like a crazy woman.

7. I slept in every day only to be awakened by the sounds of my breakfast being prepared by hairless Guatemalan men....

6. I can't really compare it to prison.

5. She leaned over a most eager 80 year old double amputee man. His stumps flipped up and down as she hugged him tightly.

4. "Tish, your physical therapist. We exercise your legs, remember?" I knelt down to pat her knees..and then she kicked me square in the chest, knocking me to the floor.
"Yep, I know you. I was sore for three days after you."

3. ....after five Sapphire and tonics, all I heard was TISH and my giggles.

2. Masturbation Olympics

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave line in The World According to Tish...

1. "I used to see a man and jus' think 'bout what I could do to him, what he could do to me, and whammo, it wasn't nothing for us to get busy right there in the parking lot.... But then I found JESUS, people, JESUS...." She ended with a prayer, a long sigh, and what I thought was a body tremor.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/03/07)

And the alternates...

I hate to brag at this point to all of the parents that might be reading this, but here goes and I do say this with a 'nah-nah' voice:
I WATCHED TWO RATED R MOVIES AT THE CINEMA!

One may be the loneliest number but it sure sounds great to me.

No can do, kiddo, but you can devote your next CD to the woman who said these three words to you and meant them: FOCUS ON ME.

...run naked down our street holding hands with an invisible Bob Hope...

GOD HELP ME HANNAH MONTANA.

I was asked to provide my inhaler which in all truth was lost in a bar somewhere in North Dakota in 1993. Don't ask.

Hitting a patient is wrong.

I do expect at least six of you to volunteer for puppy adoption. Hear me? SIX OF YOU.

I bet your husband drinks a lot.

As I helped Mr. Phallica walk with a walker, he used his elbow to squeeze my right 'bosom' tightly.
"Your wife wouldn't like that," I scolded him.
"If you gonna put it out there..." and he added a chicken wing movement.
"Time to weigh, Harry." A large nurse waddled by.
"With or without the hard-on?" He grinned at her blush.
"What the hell? Let's see what you got today." I patted his back as we continued our stroll up the rainbow hallway.

TOP TEN COSMO ARTICLES IN IRAQ

Top Ten Cosmo Articles In Iraq

10. Sheikhs tell us! Five ways to avoid being sold to another harem: Daring Do's and Don'ts from the Bedouin Boudoir!

9. Desert Dessert: 8 easy-to-prepare, sand-based, après-goat goodies!

8. Those Eyes: No-make-up tips from beyond the veil!

7. Camel Compatibility: Does your Dromedary like it or lump it? A Quiz.

6. The full-length Kaftan: Summer's Sexiest Layer!

5. From Oppression to Orgasm: Making Holy Love and Holy War that will drive him wild!

4. "I only give birth to girls!" -one reader's shocking tale!

3. Kama Sutra Jihad! Forbidden Knowledge from the Kinky Koran he wishes you knew!

2. Ramadan's most devout footwear: Sandals vs. Nothing at all!

And the number one Cosmo article in Iraq...

1. Adieu, Abu! So longa, Osama! Qaddafi & Saddam are the bomb! We Rate the Maniacal Terror Hunks!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/25/99)

EXPERTEZIOUS QUIZAMINATION

Expertezious Quizamination

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Raising the Dead for Dummies

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Shuffleboard

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Cat Fancy

5. FAVORITE SMELL? Napalm in the morning

6. FAVORITE FOOD? Um, is liquor food?

7. FAVORITE SOUND? The Sound of Music

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Losing the Lottery. Again.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE-UP?
I feel pretty!

10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? KFG: Kentucky Fried Goat

11. FUTURE CHILDREN'S NAMES? Stanislaus, Aloyisious, and Jordan

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD...open one of those checking accounts."

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? I sleep with a real animal...

14. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY? Scool

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1929 Model A (Turbo)

16. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD...use fabric softener."

17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? Separate the stems, smoke the leaves

18. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? Clear

19. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED: Beirut, Mogadishu, Grozny, Torrance

20. GLASS - HALF EMPTY OR FULL? Half full of scotch, half full of soda, now it's empty again. Can I get a refill?

21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Olympic Dumpster Diving

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU...She's the most beautiful woman on the Internets

23. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? Carpet

24. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWEL-OVER OR UNDER? Undover

25. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL? I'm always a person! (Except on weekends when I fight crime as Peligro, Masked Swordsman of the People!)

26. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP? Over Sunny

27. LAST PERSON KISSED? Vito Corleone

28. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX? Break room at work

29. FAVORITE PIE? 3.14

30. FAVORITE PASTIME? Lawn chess

31. WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED MEMORY? Finally breaking through the line at Khe Sanh

32. IF YOU COULD WAKE UP TOMORROW HAVING GAINED ONE ABILITY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Always be able to find the leading edge on a roll of transparent tape

33. IN CONVERSATION, DO YOU TEND TO LISTEN OR TALK MORE?
I listen to myself talk more

34. FAVORITE DRINK? Diet Fresca with a twist of Kiwi

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/01/05)

TOP TEN JASON EXCUSES FOR NOT WRITING A NEW TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Jason Excuses for Not Writing a New Top Ten List

10. His god ate it

9. Would take WAY more than ten entries to describe how awesome Condoleeza Rice is

8. This internet porn isn't going to look at itself

7. Just read self-help tome "Top Ten Writers Who Love Too Much."

6. Parole board didn't exactly see things Jason's way

5. Believes he can fly, believes he can touch the sky

4. Just trying to score enough heroin to get well, not enough to get high

3. Didn't think his writing could compare to the standard internet brilliance

2. Was too busy replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one Jason excuse for not writing a new Top Ten List...

1. Too distracted by the krypton-like effect of HotMegan69's powerful intellect and incisive political analysis

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/06/05)

And the alternates...

Doesn't speak HTML
Was too busy yelling "My name is Rohrblogger, ROHRBLOGGER!" to the intake nurse
First wanted to complete short-subject paper entitled, "The Complete History of the Judeo-Christian-Muslim Conflict"
Putting final touches on Jason-the-Hutt costume for TopTenCon '05
A little piece of him died with Reagan that day
Ran out of Total, had to eat twelve bowls of Raisin Bran
Doesn't feel pretty
Outsourced all list-writing to Halliburton
Addicted to precious, life-giving sleep
Still emitting the subtle scent of tequila and Nyquil
Likes Ebert, but really misses Siskel
Finally got to the 10th Level of Cthulu
Judge imposed gag order in Top Ten trial
Was obsessively stalking that internet temptress, Mailer Daemon
Didn't pay protection money to blog mob
Spent emotional night in hospital holding Pope's hand
Had to covertly bury comrades in godforsaken jungle

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES FROM THE MOVIE ALIENS

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines from the Movie Aliens

10. NEWT: My mommy always said there were no monsters - no real ones - but there are, aren't there?
RIPLEY: Yes, there are.
NEWT: Why do they tell little kids that?
RIPLEY: Most of the time it's true.

9. BISHOP: I'm afraid I have some bad news.
HUDSON: Well that's a switch.

8. RIPLEY: Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?

7. GORMAN: Hicks, meet me at the south lock. We're coming in.
HUDSON: He's coming in. I feel safer already.

6. HICKS: Hey! I know we're all in strung out shape but stay frosty and alert.

5. FROST: It's hot as hell in here.
HUDSON: Yeah man, but it's a dry heat!

4. HICKS: Remember: short, controlled bursts.

3. HUDSON: Let's just bug out and call it even, okay? What are we talking about this for?
RIPLEY: I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
HUDSON: Fuckin' A...
BURKE: Ho-ho-hold on one second. This installation has a substantial dollar value attached to it.
RIPLEY: They can bill me.

2. HUDSON: You maybe haven't been keeping up on current events but we just got our asses kicked, pal!

And Jason's number one fave line from the movie Aliens...

1. HUDSON: Well that's great! That's just fuckin' great, man. Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit now, man... That's it, man, game over, man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?
BURKE: Maybe we could build a fire, sing a couple of songs, huh? Why don't we try that?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/22/07)

And the alternates...

FERRO: Stand by to initiate release sequencer. On my mark. Five. Four.
HUDSON: We're on an express elevator to hell; going down!
FERRO: Three. Two. One. Mark.

HUDSON: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
VAZQUEZ: No, have you?

APONE: All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in the corps! A day in the Marine Corps is like a day on the farm. Every meal's a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every formation a parade! I LOVE the corps!

RIPLEY: You know Burke, I don't know which species is worse. You don't see them fucking each other over for a goddamn percentage!

HUDSON: Is this going to be a standup fight, sir, or another bughunt?
GORMAN: All we know is that there is still no contact with the colony, and that a xenomorph may be involved.
FROST: Excuse me sir, a what?
GORMAN: A xenomorph.
HICKS: It's a bughunt.

HUDSON: Hey top, what's the op?
APONE: It's a rescue mission, you'll love it. There's some juicy colonists' daughters we have to rescue from their virginity. Heh!

TOP TEN REJECTED TOM CLANCY TITLES

Top Ten Rejected Tom Clancy Titles

10. The Little Terrorist That Could

9. Spec Ops: Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

8. The Pacification of Jack Ryan

7. Burberry Mews: Nancy Nindle Gets A Summer Pony

6. 10 Steps To A Tantric Understanding Of Your Spouse

5. Community Quilt: Rebuilding A Village Through Sewing

4. Code Name: Sgt. Lovemuscle

3. Conflict Resolution: Nonviolent Detante

2. A Million Little Feces

And the number one rejected Tom Clancy title...

1. Agricultural Espionage: A Renegade CIA Agent Turned Sod Buster Converts Military Hardware Into Farm Implements

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/09/98)

JASON GETS PUBLISHED IN MCSWEENEY'S!

Jason Gets Published in McSweeney's!

McSweeney's is an online literary humor magazine edited by David Eggers author of "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius."

Anyhoo, I submitted one of my lists, "Topics of Conversation at My Cousin's House on Any Given Holiday," and it totally got published!

Check it out here.

Of course you can scroll down this very page to check out all of my other lists! Please, look around. Leave snarky comments or your own lists...

McSweeney's rocks beyond all online literary magazines that have ever rocked in the history of the Internets!

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN SEPTEMBER 11TH HIJACKER DUTIES IN HELL

Top Ten September 11th Hijacker Duties in Hell

10. Swine Detailer

9. Legislative Intern

8. Telemarketing Dept: 10th Circle

7. Bayonnet Dummy

6. Castro District Knob Polisher

5. Hollowpoint Damage Assessor

4. Stay-At-Home Mom: Jalalabad

3. Plague Carrier

2. Whitney Houston Publicist

And the number one September 11th hijacker duty in Hell...

1. Assistant Crack Whore

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/27/01)

TOP TEN WORST GANGS IN LOS ANGELES

I thought this article in the Los Angeles Weekly was hilarious...

It's not unusual for a top-10 list to cause controversy. Top 10 movies of all time. Top 10 restaurants in the country. But recently the Los Angeles Police Department and Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced with great fanfare a top-11 list of the worst and most violent gangs in the area.

"It's a bunch of bullshit," said Antony "Set Trip" Johnson, 17, a gang member with the Five Deuce Hoover, a subset of the notorious Hoover Criminals. "We should be on that list. Fuck it. We the most hated gang in Los Angeles."

"I never heard of some of these gangs," said Steven Smith, of the Rollin' 60s. "This has got to be political. Where's the Bounty Hunters? Where's the Eight Treys? Who the fuck is 204th Street?"

Ha! If they ever come out with a worst blog list I BETTER BE ON IT! After all, I'm the baddest most hated blog in the blogosphere...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/12/07)

TOP TEN RONALD MCDONALD PET PEEVES

Top Ten Ronald McDonald Pet Peeves

10. A shirtless Grimace sun bathing under the arches

9. Drunken late night calls from Hamburgler demanding "bail money"

8. The metric system

7. They made the clown at Jack In The Box PRESIDENT of the company!

6. Being mistaken for the drummer of aging heavy metal rock band KISS

5. The Diary Queen is really just the Burger King in drag

4. CIA spooks posing as teenage employees to learn the ingredients of secret sauce

3. Trendy, heroin-addicted mob hit men who try to order a "Royale with cheese"

2. Baggy pants and yellow shirt target of jeers at Armani shows

And the number one Ronald McDonald pet peeve...

1. Mayor McCheese STILL brags about the time he bagged Marilyn Monroe

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/05/96)

TOP TEN RONALD MCDONALD TURN-ONS

Top Ten Ronald McDonald Turn-ons

10. People who pull up to the second window

9. A well-seasoned patty bathed in ketchup on a Spring day

8. Women who "Super-Size" it

7. They way your fingers glisten after a bag of fries

6. Mimes who break the silence

5. Drive-thru underwear

4. The way Wendy's skirt blows when she stands on a subway grate

3. Kabuki groupies

2. Being mistaken for the singer of aging heavy metal rock band KISS

And the number one Ronald McDonald turn-on...

1. The silky feeling of panty hose under baggy yellow pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/10/96)

TOP TEN SHOCKING REVELATIONS IN RONALD MCDONALD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Top Ten Shocking Revelations in Ronald McDonald's Autobiography

10. Secretly shared case of make-up with Tammy Faye Bakker at Studio 54 back in '78

9. Was shamed out of clown college in freshman year with a 1.7 GPA

8. "Billions and Billions Sold" count off by 1,278,466

7. That ain't ketchup

6. Hotcakes breakfast really only sells like regular pancakes

5. Lee Harvey Oswald was actually gunning for Mayor McCheese

4. Thick Shake resists viscosity and thermal breakdown and can be used as heavy industrial lubricant in a pinch

3. Once killed a man in a barfight over portion control

2. Colonel Sanders had wooden teeth

And the number one shocking revelation in Ronald McDonald's autobiography...

1. Hamburgler and Grimace are "longtime companions"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/20/96)

TOP TEN SYMBOLS IN JASON'S DREAMS

Top Ten Symbols In Jason's Dreams

10. Elizabeth Dole wearing only pasta

9. A dirty syringe filled with cream soda

8. Snakes that don't bite, unless you are a mime that plays the accordian

7. Teenage lawyers, with great hair, and bad attitudes about the law

6. A smoking gun that stays crispy in milk

5. Fast cars painted the color zero

4. A slam dunk contest starring Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Tony Dow as the Beaver

3. A really bendy rocket that flies backwards

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger with flowers in his hair

And the number one symbol in Jason's dreams...

1. A long iron clad train that always runs late and stays in the tunnel too long

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/21/99)

JASON MAKES CELEBRITY SMACK AGAIN!

Jason Makes Celebrity Smack AGAIN!

I was at the Ontario Improv last Saturday night and hung out with my buddy, Joey Medina, host of 96.3's Morning Invasion, and Christopher "Kid" Reid from Kid 'n Play. And my pictures totally made the Celebrity Smack gossip blog!

Thanks for the blog love Spicy Pants. You rock!

-Rohrblogger

TOP TEN PICK-UP LINES IN WYOMING

Top Ten Pick-up Lines in Wyoming

10. Hey, baby, nice tooth

9. What's a dumpy girl like you doing in a nice place like this?

8. My horse trailer or yours?

7. Git nekkid and git in the back of the truck

6. You remind me of my sister. And I LOVE my sister.

5. I bet my criminal record is longer than your criminal record

4. Don't worry, we shot the horse that did this to me

3. I'm from Laramie. That's right, the big city

2. I didn't know you could pierce that

And the number one pick-up line in Wyoming...

1. I bet I could stay on you for at least eight seconds

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/06/95)

TOP TEN BRITNEY SPEARS PET PEEVES

Top Ten Britney Spears Pet Peeves

10. Hair

9. Hair: The Musical

8. Rehab

7. Telephoto lenses

6. Clothes

5. Emily Post's Etiquette for Dummies

4. The way Courtney Love is out of control in the press

3. Marriages that last longer than the honeymoon

2. Moms who think they are smarter than you when they are not!

And the number one Britney Spears pet peeve...

1. Soap

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/07/05)

And the alternates...

Husband's babymamma
Sobriety
The way a backup dancer tastes after a half a pack of cigarettes and three beers
Attorneys who scare off all of the hotties
People with more than 12 items in the Express Lane
Sluts like Lindsey Lohan who set the women's movement back 50 years
The way "Crossroads" was snubbed at the Oscars
Hickey concealer

TOP TEN NEWSPAPER HEADLINES ANNOUNCING NEW YORK'S NEW SUBWAY-THEMED CONDOMS

Note: Bourbon Cowboy challenged his readers to come up with:

Top Ten Newspaper Headlines Announcing New York's New Subway-Themed Condoms

10. Pro- or Anti- Phylactic?

9. Get Off at Latexington

8. Subway Berth Control

7. City Condones Condoms

6. Commuters Shove to Get Love Glove

5. Protection on the F-Train

4. Great Barrier Relief

3. Take the New York Subway to the London Bridge

2. Condoms No Longer Condemned

And the number one newspaper headline announcing New York's new subway-themed condoms...

1. Man-Jimmy-Hat-Tan

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/16/07)

And the alternates...

Coming on the Subway? Either Way They've Got You Covered
City Enforces Condom-Minimums
The Only Way to Go Down(town)
Because Abstinence Sucks
Upgown Express
A Token for the Love Tunnel
Municipal Solution for Hard Problem

JASON'S TOP TEN VALENTINE'S MESSAGES ON CANDY HEARTS

Jason's Top Ten Valentine's Messages on Candy Hearts

10. Peaked at 24

9. R U My Mommy?

8. Clingy

7. I Miss My X

6. B My Courtney Luv

5. Bottom or Top?

4. MT Head

3. Master of My Domain

2. Stalk U

And Jason's number one Valentine's message on candy hearts...

1. P.S. I Luv Me

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/13/05)

And the alternates...

UC My Blog?
Meet the Stalker
Pillow Biter
Barry White 2Nite
Cnjgl Vst?
Spank Me
Mighty Hermaphrodite

TOP TEN THINGS MY FATHER TAUGHT ME

Top Ten Things My Father Taught Me

10. How to lie to the cops

9. Sunday is for football

8. What a woman really means when she says _____.

7. How to ride a bike

6. Ways to smoke ceremonial eucalyptus

5. How to change a faucet

4. How to shoot stuff

3. How to mow the lawn

2. How to drive offensively

And the number one thing my father taught me...

1. Where to hide the money

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/12/07)

And the alternate...

How to piss off everyone

TOP TEN THINGS FOUND INSIDE ANNA NICOLE SMITH AT HER AUTOPSY

Top Ten Things Found Inside Anna Nicole Smith at Her Autopsy

10. Hoodia

9. Drano

8. Hugh Hefner

7. Fully articulated liver

6. Heart of gold

5. A number three with onion rings and a Diet Coke

4. Her inner child

3. Guess? Genes

2. ThickSpa

And the number one thing found inside Anna Nicole Smith at her autopsy...

1. A fetus snorting cocaine

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/09/07)

TOP TEN REJECTED JOHN GRISHAM NOVELS

Top Ten Rejected John Grisham Novels

10. The Gayliff

9. The File

8. The Fingerer

7. Undercover Angel, Midnight Fantasy

6. The Snitch

5. Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

4. Under the Bench

3. The Legal Procedure

2. Habeas Corpus Christi

And the number one rejected John Grisham novel...

1. A Time to Kill the Firm's Client Runaway Jury Partner's Pelican Brief

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/06/07)

And he alternate...

Pre Bono

TOP TEN REJECTED TOP TEN LISTS

Top Ten Rejected Top Ten Lists

10. Top Ten Disposable Body Parts

9. Top Ten Other Nicknames For Sammy "The Bull" Gravano

8. Top Ten Diseases Of The Lung

7. Top Ten Things Found In Andy Rooney's Pants

6. Top Ten Made-Up Words Only Jason Thinks Is Funny

5. Top Ten Ways To Skin A Cat

4. Top Ten Supreme Court Turn-Ons

3. Top Ten Mesozoic Discoveries In The Algonquin Valley

2. Top Ten Things Pumped Out Of Rod Stewart's Stomach

And the number one rejected top ten list...

1. Top Ten Self-Referential Jokes Whose Premise Was Stolen From David Letterman Anyway

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/20/97)

TOP TEN THINGS I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DOING BY NOW

Top Ten Things I Thought I Would Be Doing by Now

10. Sarah Jessica Parker

9. Paying off the national debt with my vintage Betamax collection

8. Saving the endangered Pocket Fox

7. Making rent

6. Acquiring the rank of assistant crack whore

5. Getting off the junk and finding a nice boyfriend

4. Finishing up my degree in Paranormal Paleogeology

3. Running for Sheriff of Bloom County

2. Somehow automotively compensating for my small penis

And the number one thing I thought I would be doing by now...

1. Making my first Top One Million List

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/30/07)

TOP TEN REJECTED ANNIVERSARY GIFT TRADITIONS

Top Ten Rejected Anniversary Gift Traditions

10. 1 year - beer

9. 5 years - tequila

8. 10 years - Quaaludes

7. 20 years - rope

6. 25 years - razor blades

5. 30 years - bathtub toaster

4. 40 years - gasoline and a match

3. 50 years - pistol

2. 55 years - speeding train

And the number one rejected anniversary gift tradition...

1. 60 years - grenade

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/27/07)

Note: But at least I'm not bitter

TOP TEN FLAWS IN MY PLAN

Top Ten Flaws in My Plan

10. The French will never agree

9. NASCAR too susceptible to doping

8. Tide will be out when Ryan Seacrest steps into the kill zone

7. Girl Scout cookies only 10% real Girl Scout

6. No man will ever give up the remote control

5. Boiling point of Jack Daniel's is 182°F

4. That's a pistol in his pocket

3. Nobody will read the blog

2. Exhaustion sets in after 30 seconds

And the number one flaw in my plan...

1. Bush + American people = too smart to fall for that

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/24/07)

TOP TEN REJECTED HYMNS

Top Ten Rejected Hymns

10. A Mighty Fortress is Our Dog

9. Amazing Grace Jones

8. This Little Shi'ite of Mine

7. The Old Rugged Crossdresser

6. What a Friend We Have in Jesús

5. Great is thy Faith Hillness

4. Blessed Assurance, Casualty & Indemnity

3. How Great Thou Art Garfunkle

2. Iraq of Ages

And the number one rejected hymn...

1. Onward Christian Slater

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/20/07)

And the alternates...

It is Well with My Soul Brother
Nearer, My God, to Three
Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God All-Whitey
Battle Him From the Republic
Morning has Broken, Fix It Somehow
When the Saints Go Fourth and Long
Jesus Loves Me, This I Know What You Did Last Summer
HalleBarryLujah Chorus
Just a Closer Walk with Brie
Kim Bayah

TOP TEN NEW STEREOTYPES

Top Ten New Stereotypes

10. Republicans are gay

9. Mongolians like snakes

8. Never insult an African's golf club

7. Rich people smell like almonds

6. Hindu Fundamentalists still refuse to wear white after Labor Day

5. Mayor McCheese is a perennial write-in candidate in Chile

4. Canadians enjoy disco

3. Astronauts smoke ceremonial eucalyptus

2. Hungarians have replaced the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one new stereotype...

1. The Swiss consider Sinbad a comedic genius

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/18/07)

And the alternates...

Women like a man with a long list
Muscovites can't be trusted with an air guitar
You can dance if you want to
Gypsies refuse to wear mullets
Alcoholics can calculate pi to fifty places
If you drink a completely melted popsicle, you will see God
Chinese chefs can balance family and career
Nerds are people too

TOP TEN REASONS TO FEAR THE REAPER

Top Ten Reasons to Fear The Reaper

10. Not really trained to use scythe

9. Halitosis

8. Is congressman who likes little boys

7. Also works for IRS

6. Will leave bone-impressions on your furniture

5. Smells like ass

4. Talks on cell phone while eradically driving death chariot

3. Can also make you live longer, too

2. Is bi-polar and off his meds

And the number one reason to fear The Reaper...

1. Has mob ties

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/15/07)

And the alternates...

Is Republican
Does not slow for children in crosswalk
Does not observe Sabbath
Hunts like Dick Cheney, drives like Ted Kennedy
Is drunk
Is also health inspectre
Thinks Sinbad is funny

TOP TEN PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT FORD

Top Ten Projects in Development at Ford

10. An alternative fuel that provides 150 miles per gallon in a Focus, eight miles per gallon in a Cavalier, and causes a Corolla to explode

9. Leather-n-buckle seat belts for masochists

8. A navigation system that can plot a course to the nearest shoe sale

7. Convertible bottom

6. Built-in keg dispenser

5. Remote control upholstery

4. Web-enabled windshield that supports the Firefox browser

3. Four-wheel drive motorcycle

2. Dash-mounted 95-inch plasma screen HDTV

And the number one project in development at Ford…

1. Airbags that gently fill with freshly-popped popcorn (and brake fluid that tastes like butter. "I can't believe it's not brake fluid!")

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/12/07)

And the alternates...

Amway distributor
An air filter that also removes any bad feelings
Dashboard Buddha
A Cadalladic converter that transforms GM vehicles into Lincolns

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE ADRIAN

Top Ten Signs You are Adrian

10. Your car window is broken and your mirror is missing

9. You are dating a man old enough to be your uncle

8. You are slightly taller than the kids you babysit

7. One word: cranky

6. You need the good lovin'

5. You have a hot moms

4. Bra has more cargo capacity than the Space Shuttle

3. You are a Trader Ho

2. You drive a Volkswagen Macintosh

And the number one sign you are Adrian...

1. You got your high school diploma, undergrad, graduate and post-grad degrees at the same school

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/01/07)

TOP TEN CLICHÉ WAR MOVIE NICKNAMES / ACTUAL FRIENDS OF MY FATHER'S FROM HIS OLD NEIGHBORHOOD

Top Ten Cliché War Movie Nicknames / Actual Friends of My Father's from His Old Neighborhood

10. Snake

9. Eightball

8. Detox

7. Brooklyn

6. Handjob

5. Alphabet

4. Joker

3. Dago

2. Meat

And the number one cliché war movie nickname / actual friend of my father's from his old neighborhood...

1. Psycho

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/06/07)

And the alternates...

Crazy Legs
D-Train
Flounder
Doc
Sarge
Stoner
Goat
Stinky
Scorch
Mary

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PARTIED TOO HARD ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

Top Ten Signs You Partied Too Hard on New Year's Eve

10. You wake up January 5th. 2008. In bed. In a furniture showroom.

9. You are the lead item over at Celebrity Smack

8. Somehow you got forever banned from Nigeria

7. You wake up the next morning between Bea Arthur and Barbara Bush. And they both want you to run. For president.

6. You snorted more blow than Lindsey Lohan, and puked more than Nicole Richie

5. Your butthole hurts

4. You get hepatitis, your breast implants are missing, and you are married to Kid Rock. (Pamela Anderson only)

3. Your new forehead tattoo proclaims "2007 4 Eva, Bitches!"

2. Your private sex video ends up getting released. By Nickelodeon.

And the number one sign you partied too hard on New Year's Eve...

1. Your ball dropped

-Jason Rohrblogger & Noah Goodbloggie
(12/31/06)

TOP TEN REJECTED GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

10. Phat Mints

9. Kinder Whoreos

8. Lemon Blingers

7. Hash Brownies

6. Ring-a-ding-dings

5. eCookies

4. Turds in a Blanket

3. JonBenetBerry

2. Vermouthies

And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...

1. Nilla Iced

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/07/06)

And the alternates...

Thandy Newtons
Islamic Fun-a-mint-alist
Short ribs
Ghetto Crunk Surprise
Skirt Lifters
Flour Power
SaMenses
Mormon Bites
Sawdustios
Peanut Bitter
Oatmeal-o-lesters
Cocoa Freebase
Operating Thetan Sandies
Boutros Boutros-Lollies
Dizzouble Dizzutch

TOP TEN REINDEER PET PEEVES

Top Ten Reindeer Pet Peeves

10. Naughty List weighs 2.3 metric tons this year

9. Mrs. Claus' Jerkyworks & Glue Factory

8. Depletion of their natural habitat, the reinforest

7. Rudolph's nose always draws RPG fire during stops in Fallujah

6. Dasher won't break up with that girlfriend nobody can stand

5. Purina Reindeer Chow mostly sawdust and apple cores

4. Easter Bunny always leaves floating clot of hair in the Jacuzzi

3. The way Santa insists on riding an alligator through New Orleans

2. Dancer swears Elton John wrote that song about him

And the number one reindeer pet peeve...

1. Nobody ran over grandma. She tripped and fell with a blood-eggnog level of 1.1. It's all there in the police report

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/29/06)

And the alternates...

Donner won't fly on the Sabbath
Overnight stops at the Mustang Ranch
Sleigh bells that chafe
Blitzen always blitzed
Santa won't do Slim Fast, Atkins, or gastric bypass
Prancer's lisp

TOP TEN CHRISTMAS RAP SONGS

Top Ten Christmas Rap Songs

10. Violent Night

9. I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress

8. Chestnuts Roasting as I Open Fire

7. What Child is This? He Ain't Mine!

6. Deck the Ho's

5. Frosty the Dopeman

4. Police Navidad

3. Slay, Ride

2. We Three Martin Luther Kings

And the number one Christmas rap song...

1. I Saw Mama Dissing Santa Claus

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/19/06)

And the alternates...

Over the River and Through the Hood
Jingle Bell Crack
It Crunked Upon a Midnight Clear
O Stoli Night
As Frosty as They Wanna Be

TOP EIGHT REJECTED MAGIC 8 BALL PREDICTIONS

Top Eight Rejected Magic 8 Ball Predictions

8. Shut up, quit asking

7. Ah, Jesus, not this again...no you can't have a pony. Where would we put it?

6. All signs point to Mecca

5. The cease and desist letter will arrive soon

4. Yes, yes, oh YESSS!! Uh, yessss! Mmmmm! Right there! Yes!

3. You can't handle the truth

2. There's e-coli in your taco

And the number one rejected Magic 8 Ball prediction...

1. You are about to get a Magic 8 Ball in your Magic 8 Hole

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/16/06)

YUMMY SUSHI MEME

I stole this from Yummy Sushi Pajamas...

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the face of the earth?
-Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, JonBenet Ramsey (Oh, wait, she's already gone...)

2. How do you flush the toilet in public?
-With my silent Ninja flushing skills

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
-Yep

4. Do you have a crush on someone?
-Tinky Winky (He's winky, but he's not very tinky...)

5. Name one thing that you start to get tense about if you are close to running out of it:
-Heroin

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble?
-Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Danny DeVito

7. What is your favorite pizza topping?
-Cardboard box

8. Do you crack your knuckles?
-I also knuckle some cracks

9. What song do you hate the most when it gets stuck in your head?
-Kanon und Gigue in D-Dur für drei Violinen und Basso Continuo

10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head?
-No, but I’m sure it will be later

11. What are your super powers?
-MegaSleep, Awkwardly Hit on Coworkers, Transform any Alcohol into Urine

12. Peppermint or spearmint?
-Punishmint

13. Where are your car keys?
-In the Lake of Fire inside Mount Doom

14. Whose answers to this questionnaire do you want to hear?
-Kevin Bacon

15. What's your most annoying habit?
-Picking other people's noses

16. Where did you last go on vacation?
-Beirut

17. If you could punch one person in the nose and get away with it, who would it be?
-Ryan Seacrest

18. What is your best physical feature?
-My left thumbnail

19. What CD is closest to you right now?
-"Learn Latin the Franciscan Way!"

20. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator?
-Cold air, moisture, lightbulb

21. What superstition do you believe in/practice?
-Lock the door twice, turn off the stove three times, touch all four corners of the room

22. What color are your bed sheets?
-Clear

23. Would you rather be a fish or a bird?
-In England I'd rather be a bird. In prison I'd rather be a fish

24. Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
-Oh yeah

25. What are your favorite sayings?
-"I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet cold sores that last for three days."

26. What song(s) do you sing most often in the shower?
-White and Nerdy

27. If you could go back or forward in time, would you and where would you go?
-I would jump forward to the day I get out of prison

28. What is your favorite Harrison Ford movie?
-That one where he plays the tough-but-lovable rogue who mentors the kid and falls for the girl

29. What CD is in your stereo?
-"Too Shy" cassingle by Kajagoogoo

30. What CD will be in your stereo in a few minutes?
-"Forget Latin with Ludacris!"

31. How many kids do you plan on having?
-Whatever the DNA tests tell the court

32. If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
-Don Corleone

33. Would you really want to kiss someone you didn't know, even if they are famous?
-Um, where do I have to kiss them?

34. If they made a movie about your life, what actor/actress would be the best for this job?
-Mike Tyson, making his big screen breakout debut performance in "Rohrblogger! The Musical!"

35. Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
-In a blaze of peaceful, glorious sleep

36. Ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
-I've danced with yer mom in the pale moonlight

37. Coffee or tea?
-Precious, life-giving, Diet Coke

38. Favorite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert?
-Merrill Osmond and Art Garfunkle Live at the Charlie Pride Olde Tyme Theatre in Branson, MO

39. Have you ever been in love?
-Twice

40. Do you talk to yourself?
-Maybe

41. Have you ever started to fill out a survey and then thought "this is stupid" and stop without finishing it?
-

42.

TOP TEN THINGS I WAS THINKING

Top Ten Things I Was Thinking

10. Grandma wouldn't notice

9. Britney's gonna start with the phone calls and emails again soon

8. That the Zoning Board wouldn't be a bunch of Fascist Municipal Overlords raining down codified death on personal structural expression

7. The kids will thank me later

6. Bush won't have any trouble proving North Korea has weapons of mass destruction since they showed that to the world already

5. Lemonade is nice

4. Guns n' Roses rocks beyond all bands who have ever rocked in the history of rhythmic sound

3. Whatever happened to that kid from 10th grade church youth group that was really into working out?

2. The wind can't possibly pick that up and start a fire

And the number one thing I was thinking...

1. I know what that Kate Winslet needs

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/11/06)

And the alternates...

No, really, who let the dogs out?
Is that a pistol in your pocket?
Too soon?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Is this funny?

TOP TEN NEW WAYS TO SELL JESUS

Top Ten New Ways to Sell Jesus

10. As cool lifestyle

9. As fuel for busy executives

8. As lastest blog craze

7. As IT solution

6. As political pundit

5. Bundled with fries and a drink

4. As choice of a new generation

3. As full-flavor with half the tar and nicotine, zero carbs, and fat free

2. As alternative to Windows Vista™

And the number one new way to sell Jesus...

1. As ancient Jewish carpenter with something to say about modern life

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/04/06)

And the alternate...

As 24-hour alternative to Denny's

TOP TEN OTHER THINGS THAT KELLIS' MILKSHAKE BRINGS TO THE YARD ACCORDING TO MY RHYMING DICTIONARY

Top Ten Other Things That Kellis' Milkshake Brings to the Yard According to My Rhyming Dictionary

10. Toys

9. Myrna Loy

8. Hoi Polloi

7. Moishe

6. Freud

5. Joy

4. Goyim

3. Ploys

2. Soy

And the number one thing that Kellis' milkshake brings to the yard according to my rhyming dictionary...

1. Koi

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/18/06)

And the alternates...

Poi
Roy
Choy
Noise
Buoys
Moyles
St. Croix
Illinois
Poise
Troy
Decoys