TOP TEN REJECTED SUPERHERO WEAKNESSES

Top Ten Rejected Superhero Weaknesses

10. Samsonite

9. Eggs make you gassy

8. Craving for chocolate

7. Blinded by science

6. Addiction to crack form of Kryptonite

5. Inability to pass a Starbucks without getting a cookie

4. Wets self when she hears the Maldivian National Anthem

3. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

2. Causes cell phone reception drop-out

And the number one rejected superhero weakness...

1. Dessert

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/16/04)

And the alternates...

Cross-dresses on weekends
Allergic to cats
Can't engage enemy without checking own horoscope first

TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT DISNEYLAND

Top Ten Products in Development at Disneyland

10. A priceless irreplaceable collectible heirloom that slowly dissolves and has to be replaced.

9. Cotton candy flavored carmel apple.

8. A Tinkerbell that appeals to men ages 18 - 35.

7. A $15 Coke-on-a-stick.

6. Realistic fake earthquakes, riots, and rolling blackouts for the new California Adventure Land.

5. A mouse that talks in a deep, sensual, Barry White-style bedroom voice.

4. An animated feature film based on their hit live-action Broadway musical "The Lion King."

3. A more easily tossed cookie.

2. A lunar powered Electrical Parade.

And the number one product in development at Disneyland...

1. A mermaid that, when kissed, turns into a high powered, cost cutting, efficiency obsessed senior executive.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/06/01)

CAR-SALESMAN-TO-ENGLISH TRANSLATOR

===============================
Car-Salesman-To-English Translator
===============================

WHEN THE CAR SALESMAN SAYS...
HE MEANS...

You're pre-approved!
For 25.9% interest rates.

We're having a big sale!
We couldn't give these problem cars away.

You qualify for special financing!
You obviously haven't made a payment on your outstanding Visa balance since before you went to prison for tax evasion.

Have you considered a lease?
You have the purchasing power of an eight-year-old between allowances.

We'd like to finance you here.
You'll still be paying for this when your eight-year-old goes to college.

Do you have a co-signer?
You couldn't finance the steam off of a cup of coffee.

I'd like to introduce you to our service department.
You'll be spending alot of time there.

Are you ready to buy today?
Don't waste my time.

Do you have good credit?
Don't waste my time.

Is this car in your price range?
Don't waste my time.

Do you like this vehicle enough to take it home today?
Please buy this before you notice the scratches and high mark-up.

What do we have to do to earn your business?
Do you like your screwing hard and fast, or soft and slow?

What do you have for a down payment?
How much do you have in the bank...in your pockets, in your wife's purse, in your children's piggy banks, under the couch cushions, and coming in your next paycheck?

What kind of a monthly payment were you considering?
Can you live in the car and give us the rent?

How about a (smaller, slower, cheaper) vehicle?
You can barely afford to ride the bus.

Have you considered a (larger, faster, more expensive) vehicle?
You'll be spending twice as much as you had planned.

Please feel free to look around.
I will hound you until you buy a car.

The (competing model) is an excellent car.
They outsell, outperform, and cost less than our model.

Of course you can have your mechanic look at it.
After you buy it.

It's economical.
It has the power of a loosely wound rubber band.

It performs.
It will deplete the fossil fuel reserves of OPEC before it's paid for.

It's the (fastest, most powerful, largest) in it's class.
No other manufacturer would build a car like this.

This model is all-new for this year.
We changed the shape of the headlights and added two speakers.

Note the classic lines.
It's as aerodynamic as a box of lead.

It's got dual air bags.
Duck!

It's a great value.
It's overpriced.

I'll even throw in the floor mats.
For another $199.00 on the back end.

It's a sport-utility vehicle.
A stiff breeze may tip it over.

Do you have proof of income?
We called McDonald's and they never heard of you.

It's our most popular model.
It's marked up $5,000.00 over sticker price.

What are you driving now?
What will you be trading in to me for $1,000.00 less than wholesale?

Regarding your trade:

Are these the original miles?
Your odometer has been rolled more times than Heidi Fleiss.

Has it ever been in an accident?
This car looks like it was salvaged from Baghdad.

It's a classic!
Your car was built before the Nixon administration. And has about as much integrity left.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/25/99)

ACTUAL READER'S COMMENTS ON JRTT

Actual Reader's Comments on JRTT

• "You seem to have a good sense of humor..." - Anonymous

• "I didn't know about these meds. Isn't science amazing!" - Anonymous

• "Marry me!" - beattvgirl

• "'feel the force' home pregnancy test. Freakin Genius! Seriously one of the funniest list's I've seen." - Amy Harden

• "there's nothing wrong with wanting to be held, jason." - Anonymous

• "I can't tell if you came up with this yourself but it's HILARIOUS!" - Charity

• "you appear to have some hostility towards oprah..." - Anonymous

• "are you some kind of genius? i worship you." - Anonymous

• "No, in YOUR mom's room." - Trev Diesel

• "quite frankly, this one was only so-so." - Anonymous

• "i have no idea who the hell you are.... but i don't care... you are super ffffing funny...." - bONG

• "Oh perfect list! I am falling more and more into internet lust with you." - Grins

• "Hee hee hee .. You funny. And who knew the beaten to death, 1980s format of Top 10 Lists could still be funny!!." - Anonymous

• "How funny." - AmateurDad

• "no one, and i mean no one, is as funny as you." - Alexis Stewart

• "I enjoyed the information you had on auto insurance as well." - marissa

• "Jason- this is awesome! Your site is so funny-" - Jenn

• "Bwahaha!" - Spicy Pants

• "You are so silly!" - Eigirt

• "Effin' hilarious... and sick" - Ken

• "LOVE your blog! HATE that it took me so long to discover it!" - SJ

• "how did you get such a large economist fan base? A little freak-y, my friend..." - Michelle Daws

• "I'm ashamed to admit it, but bathroom humor makes me laugh every time..." - Aurorealis

• "Yeah, like getting married proves you're not gay!" - Neil

• "Hilarity unleashed..." - Kenny Blaze

TOP TEN REASONS YOUR HOTEL ROOM IS NOT READY

Top Ten Reasons Your Hotel Room Is Not Ready

10. Don't ask me. The squirrels in my pants won't stop screaming! AHHHHHH! AHHHHhhhhhh...

9. You probably made a reservation but we lost it during one of our frequent cocaine fueled orgies.

8. Apparently the carpet is infested with Turkish sailors.

7. Elizabeth Taylor won't leave.

6. The dyslexic maid dusted the sheets and laundered the desk.

5. We can't seem to remove the smell of burnt sausage.

4. Your room will be ready as soon as we've worked the bugs out of our Microsoft server.

3. We're out of rooms, but we've a lovely manger out back.

2. We've replace the fine rooms we normally serve with Folger's crystals.

And the number one reason your hotel room is not ready...

1. I'm not really in a place where I can feel good about giving you a room right now. Hold me.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/26/01)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW IRAQI CONSTITUTION

Top Ten Surprises in the New Iraqi Constitution

10. Ten point Bill of Wrongs

9. Amendments must be ratified by a two-thirds vote and at least one suicide bomb

8. Sunni's may not get their chocolate in Shi'ites peanut butter

7. Any future civil conflicts will be decided with a best two-out-of-three midget-tossing contest

7. Iraqi Supreme Court to feature Diana Ross, Mary Wilson, and Florence Ballard. Parliament to feature Bootsy Collins.

5. Bicamel legislature

4. Official bird of Baghdad: Sikorsky Blackhawk

3. Unsuccessful candidate in any general election loses a hand

2. Orders already being taken now for official Iraqi Civil War Chess Set

And the number one surprise in the new Iraqi constitution...

1. Executive branch to be headed up by Neil Bush

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/03/05)

JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN BLOG DAY PICKS

Head over to the official website - http://blogday.wikispaces.org to see what it’s all about! In brief: For one long moment on August 31st, bloggers from all over the world will post recommendations of 5 new Blogs. On this day, blog surfers will find themselves leaping around and discovering new, unknown blogs, and celebrating the discovery of new people.

In keeping with my theme, here are my Top Ten Fave Blogs of All Time. Hopefully, through my participation in this event, I’ll drive traffic from around the world. Especially since this Blog Day thing seems to have picked up momentum in Europe and is going largely unnoticed in the US… Spread the word!

10. The Onion - Not a Blog Per Se but Updated Weekly with the Funny

9. Daily Probe - The Daily Probe is Neither, Just More of the Internet Funny

8. The Complimenting Commenter - Such a Nice Boy!

7. Weblog Wannabe - Links, Great Template, Best Use of Verdana on the Web

6. Lord of the Crumbs - Memories and Commentary from an East Coast Raconteur

5. Tales Wagging the Blog - A Verbal Evisceration of Whatever is in the News

4. Celebrity Smack - A Visual Evisceration of Whoever is in the News

3. Dirty Talking Girl - Porno Blog Written by a Married British Woman in Her 50's! (I am not making this up)

2. Atomic Bomshell - Great Graphics, Awesome Observations, and Prolific Posts

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one Blog Day pick...

1. Patience is a Virtue - A Midwestern Woman Adopts a Child and, Yes, it's Hysterical!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/31/05)

TOP TEN REASONS ROBERT AND SARA ARE GETTING MARRIED

Top Ten Reasons Robert and Sara are Getting Married

10. He's pregnant

9. Looking for any excuse to play The Carpenter's "We've Only Just Begun"

8. Trying to prove they're not gay

7. He agreed to test their vows on the road before using them in competition

6. Needed a spice rack, bread maker, and mixing bowl

5. Life is a fragile journey made stronger by the bond shared between two people together facing blah, blah, blah...

4. She finally renounced her High Dark Master Satan and accepted Robert as her personal Lord and Savior

3. Married? Thought they were in line for the Matterhorn.

2. He refused to indulge her sad-clown fetish out of wedlock

And the number one reason Robert and Sara are getting married...

1. Doing it for the sake of the cats

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/01/05)

TOP TEN CHANGES IF JASON RAN THE SPECIAL FORCES

Top Ten Changes if Jason Ran the Special Forces

10. Cyanide pills delivered in a Hitler-shaped Pez Dispenser.

9. Six week advanced training missions to the Playboy Mansion.

8. Lightning fast two- and three-man commando teams sent to search and destroy Richard Simmons

7. Navy SEALs issued tactical surfboards. ("Because Charlie don't surf.")

6. Berets replaced with a saucy green scarf for Fall.

5. New recruits subjected to a rigorous Pespi Challenge.

4. All shock troops issued combat cologne, "Guerilla," so they can always smell like "napalm in the morning."

3. Blemish concealing hypoallergenic warpaint SPF10 with collagen.

2. Survival knife equipped with secret compartment containing emergency double cheeseburger with grilled onions, no pickle.

And the number one change if Jason ran the Special Forces...

1. All radio transmissions encrypted in Ebonics.*

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/03/01)

*This is Grandmaster Sgt. Flash keepin' it real in the HQ crib with all the rearward, gearward honeyz. I'm sendin' out mad props to my peeps in the Opizational Hizone. Fab 5 Freddy you are clear for Operation Run DMZ. You may flava the Sugar Hill position and drop the mad funk on all nonfriendly, whack MCs. I also got big ups for my base thumpin' arty crewz. All y'all get your gat lit for a Bin Laden hit. We are camel fabulous in the tree line, repeat, turban disturbin' in the tree line. Love, sex, and paychecks. Peaceout yo, over.

INTERVIEW ME

Thanks for the game Jenn! If you would like me to interview you, the rules are posted at Zeek's place- just put "interview me" in the comments section. Here are Jenn's "Interview Me" questions:

1) Who is your favorite animated character in a full length movie (Disney, Pixar, etc)?

-Flounder, Ariel's sidekick fish in "The Little Mermaid."

2) Boxers or briefs?

-Loincloths for work, pantyhose on the weekend...

3) How old were you when you figured out what sex actually was?

- 36½

4) If you could only wear one outfit for the rest of your life, what would it be?

-Lederhosen.

5) Where would you rather be right now? Mexico, Hawaii, Europe, or Africa? Or somewhere else?

-Indonesia: Sun, surf, and Islam. What could be better?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/23/05)

TOP TEN SECRET DUTIES OF THE MAYOR OF DISNEYWORLD

Note: As part of its charter with the State of Florida, Disneyworld is it's own city with it's own zip code, sales tax, city council, zoning board, police/fire, and of course, mayor.

Top Ten Secret Duties of the Mayor of Disneyworld

10. Stomp around the Country Bear Jamboree, Dirty Harry-style, shouting, "Who's in charge here?!"

9. After Mr. Toad's wild ride, pay hush money to Toon Town Coroner.

8. Protect Chip 'n Dale from screaming women trying to put dollars down their shorts.

7. Pull Excalibur from the stone. Plunge it into Mayor McCheese's soft, fluffy white buns.

6. Quietly accommodate Gepetto's fetish for hairless wooden boys.

5. Call in Sheriff of Nottingham. Explain to him that he is off the case. He is out of his jurisdiction. Make clear that he is a renegade-with-a-badge and the Sherwood Forest Sheriff's Department will not tolerate his dangerous, loose-cannon, ways.

4. Discreetly have prostitutes from Pirates of the Caribbean delivered to the Hall of Presidents after closing.

3. Stem the tide of illegal traffic in fairy dust.

2. Send in union busting goons to keep the Seven Dwarves in the field pickin' cotton candy.

And the number one secret duty of the Mayor of Disneyworld...

1. Rig election so brother, Elmer Fudd, can get into the White House.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/01)

TOP TEN ISRAELI CONCESSIONS TO THE PALESTINIANS

Top Ten Israeli Concessions to the Palestinians

10. Reclaim two holy sites, get one free.

9. On joint Israeli/Palestinian bowling teams, the Israelis will provide the beer and the Palestinians will provide the pretzels.

8. Israeli forces will stop shooting terrorists if they say the "phrase that pays."

7. If an Israeli suicide bomber and a Palestinian suicide bomber come to a four way stop simultaneously, the one to the right will go first.

6. Israelis will remove "Allah sucks" bumperstickers from all tanks BEFORE they flatten Palestinian homes and schools.

5. Secret Police torture sessions will no longer include the Macarena.

4. Gideons will be allowed to place the Koran in 30% of Tel-Aviv hotel rooms.

3. By 2006 all Israeli Coke machines must accept sheckels AND dinari.

2. Ramadan and Hannukkah combined into one holiday: Ramiken, the festival of containment.

And the number one Israeli concession to the Palestinians...

1. Israelis will close tacky topless bar in disputed territory, "the Gaza Strip."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/28/98)

TOP TEN REJECTED COMMANDMENTS

Top Ten Rejected Commandments...

10. Thou shalt do a little dance, make a little love, verily thou shalt get down tonight.

9. Remember this day, The Super Bowl Sunday, and keep it Holy for I am the Lord thy God.

8. Do unto others until you have had enough. Then do a little more.

7. Honor thy Visa and thy Mastercard.

6. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy intern.

5. Thou shalt not commit adultery with an ugly chick.

4. Love thy neighbor as ye love thyself. However, thou shalt not love thyself too often lest ye go blind.

3. Thou shalt beat no joke into the ground.

2. Thou shalt not worship any Spice Girl before Me. For they are false idols: false in tongue, false in eyelash, and false in breast.

And the number one rejected Commandment...

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(08/10/98)

TOP TEN TITLES OF JASON'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Top Ten Titles Of Jason's Autobiography

10. Laughter In My Pants: A life told from the point of view of a comedian's trousers.

9. How To Avoid Success and Really Shine

8. I Never Met a Car I Didn't Wreck

7. The Alcoholic Plumber's Son

6. Everything I Ever Wanted To Know I Learned From Watching TV

5. Lose Weight the Drug and Alcohol Addiction Way!

4. Coping Through Blaming Others

3. What's My Social Security Number Again?: One Man's Search For Identity

2. Exodus in Excelsis Deo

And the number one title of Jason's autobiography...

1. Bachelors in the Mist

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/99)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN CLINTON'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Top Ten Surprises in Clinton's Autobiography

10. Once killed a man in a barfight over health care reform

9. Used the Special Forces to liberate a six pack of Natty Light from 7-11

8. Liked Siskel, loathes Ebert

7. He inhaled. Profusely.

6. When he confronted Chelsea about her childish support for Schedule 24(c) non-profit tax exemptions and she shouted "I learned it from watching you!"

5. The time he drunk dialed Newt Gingrich and invited him to "impeach this."

4. Has a covert lair deep in the Ozarks called the Fortress of Pulchritude

3. Never bothered tipping the Dominos guy after the second election

2. Secretly replaced the Constitution with Folger's Crystals to see if anyone would notice

And the number one surprise in Clinton's autobiography...

1. He can't remember where he left is lighter, either.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/24/04)

And the alternates...

He benches 350 and squat presses 410
Can drink 2 liters of Mountain Dew in 1 minute 8 seconds
Was passed over for the role of Joe Dirt when producers found out he had a degree from Oxford University
Is fluent in both Jive and Ebonics
Briefly dated Helen Gurley Brown in 1964
Fave book: Leaves of Grass Fave Movie: Point Break
Second worst decision: that third Big Mac before boarding Air Force One
At the end of the day, feels Kenneth Starr is a professional investigator with the highest ethical standards
Had to pay hush money when Buddy the dog got Tipper Gore's bitch pregnant
Comes from a solid background of cornbread and privilege
His big admission to Playboy magazine that he has "lusted in my heart" for other women

TOP TEN REJECTED MONSTER TRUCK NAMES

Top Ten Rejected Monster Truck Names

10. The Vomit Comet

9. Family Wagon of Doom

8. The Bible Thumper

7. Pablum Topfuel Chiffon Creampuff Dream

6. Shakespeare Express

5. Granny Saurus Wrecks

4. Redneck Casket

3. The Bowel Mover

2. Ku Trux Klan

And the number one rejected monster truck name...

1. The Mighty Small Penis Compensator

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/22/98)

TOP TEN MONSTER TRUCK NAMES IF WOMEN RAN THE MONSTER TRUCK BIDNESS

Top Ten Monster Truck Names If Women Ran The Monster Truck Bidness

10. Runs Good Make Offer

9. Mary Kay Maniac

8. Vaginal Dryness

7. The Commuter

6. Detroit Doily Maker

5. Overbudget

4. Fuel Injected Yeast Infection

3. The Ozone Destroyer

2. V-8 Vibrator

And the number one monster truck name if women ran the monster truck bidness...

1. The Cuddler

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/22/98)

TOP TEN L.A. AMUSEMENT PARKS AND ATTRACTIONS

Top Ten L.A. Amusement Parks and Attractions

10. Shoot 'n' Loot: Where Miniature Golf Is A Riot!

9. Dr. Fahad's Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet

8. Six Flags' Magic Mushroom (and Sealing Wax Museum)

7. Knott's Berry Prison Farm

6. Shovel-n-Sav Earthquake Rubble Warehouse

5. Drive-by Dogg's Gang-Related Incarcerarium

4. Hollywood Streewalker Hall O' Fame

3. La Brea Arm Pits

2. Guggenheim Museum of Industrial Toxic Waste and Wartime Atrocities

And the number one L.A. amusement park or attraction...

1. 7th Circuit Court's Divorce-a-Thon '05

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/14/98)

TOP TEN BAGHWAN SHREE HAJ RASHNEESH PET PEEVES

Top Ten Baghwan Shree Haj Rashneesh Pet Peeves

10. As soon as you start to really contemplate a grain of rice, the phone always rings.

9. When your chakra gets folded with your dharma in the wash.

8. The way Ken Starr won't wrap up his investigation anytime soon.

7. Climbing 10,000 feet only to discover your isolated cave is being occupied by some OTHER Most Holy Baghwan Sari Haj.

6. Ashram cooks who are stingy with the tofu.

5. Trying to get the baseball cap of your favorite team to fit over your turban during the playoffs.

4. The Spice Girls just don't sound the same now that Ginger quit.

3. Trying to sneak a cow through security at Houston International Airport.

2. Loincloths don't cover, boxer's don't offer enough support, yet briefs are too tight.

And the number one Baghwan Shree Haj Rashneesh pet peeve...

1. Trying not to laugh out loud at that hilarious Chihuahua while sitting through a Taco Bell commercial during a hunger strike.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/20/98)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG THERAPIST

Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Therapist
 
10. For half price, she offers to take you through only six of the twelve steps.
 
 9.  Encourages you to act on your homicidal fantasies towards Kathie Lee Gifford on the grounds that no jury would convict you.
 
 8.  His business card contains the spelling mistake "Sigmund Fraud."
  
 7.  Refers to masturbation as "releasing your inner child."
 
 6.  Sends you to an "anger workshop" when what you're really stuck in is denial.
 
 5.  Your sessions include driving to a bar "for a quick drink." 
 
 4. After your "fear of abandonment" revelation, he leaves the room so you can be alone for awhile.
 
 3. Prescribes Zoloft, Valium, and Crystal Meth.
 
 2. Her nickname: Drill Sergeant Happiness.
 
And the number one sign you've hired the wrong therapist...
 
 1. You curl up into the fetal position while vulnerable, he asks: "Has anyone ever told you, you have a great ass?"
 
-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/19/98)

TOP TEN THINGS ON COURTNEY LOVE'S "TO DO" LIST

Top Ten Things on Courtney Love's "To Do" List

10. Heroin

9. Buy lipstick

8. Bake cookies. Garnish with Prozac.

7. Have attorney contest results of herpes exam

6. Awkwardly hit on Justin Timberlake

5. Live through this

4. Fill vacancy in Hole

3. Party till her connection calls, then she'll return the key

2. Lunch with Yoko

And the number one thing on Courtney Love's "to do" list...

1. Purge

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/16/05)

And the alternate...

Sue band

GETTING TO KNOW ME

Yet even more SPAM than Hormel...

1. Full name?
-Aloyisious Chester Jason Rohrblogger

2. Were you named after anyone?
-My nominal father Aloyisious Chester P. Diddy Rohrblogger

3. Do you wish on stars?
-Is Corey Feldman a star? Cause I wish on him alot.

4. When did you last cry?
-My tears are shorting-out the keyboard as I type this...

5. Do you like your handwriting?
-Depends on what I'm writing

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?
-Porn

7. What is your birth date?
-March first. I'm a Pisces! Gooooo fish!

8. What is your most embarrassing CD?
-Sweatin' to the Moldies

9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with yourself?
-Bitter, life-long mortal enemies

10. Are you a daredevil?
-I'm a dareangel

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
-I told you I was a dareangel, didn't I?

12. Do looks matter?
-Why, what are you looking at?

13. How do you release anger?
-Back into the wild

14. Where is your second home?
-My lovely cubicle overlooking the scenic parking lot

15. Do you trust others too easily?
-Why do you ask? What are you hiding?

16. What was your favorite toy as a child?
-The hearts of young girls

17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless?
-Inglish. I mean, like, c'mon, I totally speek it already, yo.

18. Do you have a journal?
-Nope.

19. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
-Maybe.

20. Favorite movie(s)?
-Flash Dance, Grease, Sound of Music, Scarface

21. What are your (acceptable) nicknames?
-John Holmes, Emailinator, LuvBot

22. Would you bungee jump?
-Who is bungee? And who else has jumped her?

23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
-I untie my shoes and, occasionally, my hostages.

24. Do you think that you are strong?
-Yes, but smell isn't everything.

25. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
-Beyoncé

26. What size shoe do you wear?
-Twelve. What's your point?

27. What are your favorite colors?
-United colors of Benetton

28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
-My inability to tolerate kryptonite

29. Who do you miss most?
-Pee Wee Herman. That guy was all class.

30. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back?
-Perhaps.

31. What color pants are your wearing?
-White (with black thong)

32. What are you listening to right now?
-The sound of one hand. Clapping.

33. What was the last thing you ate?
-California Condor omelette

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
-Violent Blue

35. What is the weather like right now?
-Sarcastic with a 10% chance of funny

36. Last person you talked to on the phone?
-District Attorney

37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
-Her enormous brains

38. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
-Oh, my, yes.

40. Favorite Drink?
-Jameson and milk

41. Favorite Sport?
-Synchronized bitching

42. Hair Color?
-Paisley

43. Eye Color?
-Red

44. Do you wear contacts?
-Uh-uh.

45. Favorite Food?
-Fast.

46. Last Movie You Watched?
-Behind the Green Door

47. Favorite Day of the Year?
-Your birthday

48. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
-I love a happy ending.

49. Summer or winter?
-Suminter

50. Hugs or kisses?
-Hugs that lead to kisses

51. What is Your Favorite Dessert?
-Mohave

52. Who is Most Likely to Respond?
-Aurora

53. Who is Least Likely to Respond?
-Spicy Pants

54. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation?
-Abu Ghraib. Does it cost extra for the hood?

55. What Books are you reading?
-Moby Dick II: Whalin' in Paradise

56. What's on your mouse pad?
-Eeek! A mouse!

57. What did you Watch Last Night on TV?
-Porno

58. Favorite Smells?
-Bus station bathroom

59. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
-Rolling Beatles

60. What's the furthest you've been away from home?
-I went to the mailbox once

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/10/05)

TOP TEN REJECTED GODZILLA VILLAINS

Top Ten Rejected Godzilla Villains

10. Mothra Fockra

9. Accountantron

8. Megasloth

7. Insecticlam

6. Menstruzoid

5. Spartacus

4. Darth Vadra

3. Satanzilla

2. Spambot

And the number one rejected Godzilla villain...

1. Spermatazoa

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/05)

And the alternates...

Freakazoid
Neo-Maxi Zoondweebie
Chlamydia
Sideshow Bobzilla
Hans Blofeld
Alcoholic Stupor

TOP TEN REJECTED DAYS OF THE WEEK

Top Ten Rejected Days of the Week

10. Pukesday

9. Splatterday

8. Hyundai

7. Nightinday

6. Mensday

5. Herpesday

4. Frauday

3. Taxday

2. Runday

And the number one rejected day of the week...

1. Dayday

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/12/05)

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ITEMS OF FRENCH CUISINE

Top Ten Least Popular Items of French Cuisine

10. Soufflégm

9. Escarbot

8. Créme Malaise

7. Beurre Blank

6. Blew Cheese

5. Mise en glass

4. Beyoncé

3. Fellatio

2. Frottage Cheese

And the number one least popular item of french cuisine...

1. Toenails Foster

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/07/05)

TOP TEN THINGS JASON ROHRBLOGGER DOES TO RELAX

Note: apparently I have been tagged with a "meme." I have absolutely no idea what that is. Aurora? A little help here? What's a meme? Anyhoo - click on the main title above to see what I am talking about. SJ, you, uh, asked for it. I have been challenged to write a list on this topic:

Top Ten Things Jason Rohrblogger Does to Relax

10. Taxes

9. Hot poker massage

8. Eat a heaping plate of Viagra with some fava beans and a nice Chianti

7. Take the (short) bus

6. Finish punching-up screenplay for Tinkerbell Hilton

5. Watch entire season one of "The Greatest American Hero." "Believe it or not, I'm blogging on air..."

4. Cappuccino colon cleanse

3. Mutter "ten minutes to Wapner" over and over...

2. Tinker with my macaroni-based doomsday device. I'm finally going to show them all!

And the number one thing Jason Rohrblogger does to relax...

1. Low-carb heroin

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/23/05)

And the alternates...

Take a gander over yonder
Myofascial release
Club Oprah's book
Gambol online

TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS CHARACTERS

Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Characters

10. Bylgates

9. Jabbawocky

8. Myyshaa a'Rona

7. Darth Fluffy

6. Grimace

5. Snoop Bantha Banth

4. Mace Windex

3. Mason Jar Jar

2. Chewbacco

And the number one rejected Star Wars Character...

1. Spock

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/13/05)

And the alternate...

Nox Equus

TOP TEN SIGNS JASON ROHRBLOGGER HAS A SUMMER COLD

Top Ten Signs Jason Rohrblogger Has a Summer Cold

10. Using even more Kleenex than usual

9. Stupor no longer caused by daily crack supplement

8. Pours DayQuil on his Frosted Flakes

7. Dry hacking cough attracting hot respiratory therapists

6. Sleep routine extended 30 minutes to a full 23 hours a day

5. Toxic social behavior punctuated with gobs of snot

4. Fever starting to melt bodies packed in cooler

3. Can no longer taste delicious Purina Bachelor Chow

2. More congested than Manhattan

And the number one sign Jason Rohrblogger has a summer cold...

1. Voices in aching head screaming for vitamin C

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/05)

TOP TEN MICHAEL JACKSON JURY PET PEEVES

Top Ten Michael Jackson Jury Pet Peeves

10. Stepping on fallen pieces of nose

9. The glove fits, can they still acquit?

8. Bubbles the Chimp insists on smoking on the stand

7. Tour of Neverland included music from the album Invincible

6. Every time the judge enters the courtroom the entire defense team does the dance routine from "Thriller"

5. Hard-to-believe testimony from 11-year-old accuser. Everyone knows 11 is way too old for Michael

4. Both plaintiff and defendant failed psychiatric evaluation

3. Creepy way accuser's mother pimps him for beer money

2. Creepy way defendant licks his lips when recess is called

And the number one Michael Jackson jury pet peeve...

1. Can't change the channel when Brooke Shields, Macaulay Culkin, and Corey Feldman come on

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/01/05)

TOP TEN REASONS JASON IS ON HIATUS

Rohrblogger won't be updated for a couple of weeks. Do enjoy our lovely archives, won't you?

Top Ten Reasons Jason Is on Hiatus

10. Gotta train a race of super squirrels to do laundry

9. This Smirnoff-and-SlimFast ain't gonna drink itself

8. Rug burn

7. Got your chocolate in my peanut butter

6. Picking up an extra shift at the humor-packing plant

5. Can't talk. "CSI: Dubuque" is on.

4. Standing in line for the next Star Wars

3. Attracting too many ravenous groupies

2. Replacing fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals

And the number one reason Jason is on hiatus...

1. Could only think of nine reasons

-Rohrblogger out...
(05/27/05)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WORK IN ABU GHRAIB PRISON

Top Ten Signs You Work in Abu Ghraib Prison

10. Your diplomatic pouch holds a list of questions, a riding crop, and fishnet stockings.

9. You teach inmates dance steps like the Lynndie Hop.

8. You threaten recalcitrant terrorists with a rubber hose and panty hose.

7. Time in the interrogation room costs $1.99 a minute.

6. Your turn-ons are mustaches, honesty, and long walks on Guantanamo Bay.

5. Charges include rape, murder, and terrorist threats. And that's just the staff.

4. Your persuasion methods are Chinese water torture, Russian roulette, and Brazilian wax.

3. Your commanding officer gives you a direct order to "Bring out the Gimp."

2. You anger the entire Muslim world by replacing the fine coffee normally served with Folger's Crystals.

And the number one sign you work in Abu Ghraib Prison...

1. The photos of your office Christmas party have all the best parts digitally blurred.

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Blogerts
(05/28/04)

TOP TEN THINGS JASON KNOWS ABOUT LOVE

Top Ten Things Jason Knows About Love

10. Nothing.

9. Love is patient, love is kind, love never seeks its own way--ah screw it, love sucks!

8. Self-love is the most important love of all. Especially on cold lonely nights.

7. Love bites. (Sorry, that is something Ratt knows about Love)

6. If you love something, set it free. Then take massive amounts of drugs and alcohol to get over the loss.

5. Love means never having to say your sorry ass screwed up.

4. You would do it if you loved me.

3. Love is something to be shared secretly between two people in a closet or back alley and then lied about to the Grand Jury.

2. On a cruise ship, love won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile, on a
friendly shore.

And the number one thing Jason knows about love...

1. See number ten.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/22/98)

TOP TEN REJECTED SUMMER MOVIES SEQUELS

Top Ten Rejected Summer Movie Sequels

10. Cold Mountain Deux

9. Titanic's Revenge of the Titanic: Icebergs in Paradise

8. Debbie Does Baghdad

7. Last Tango in Paris Hilton

6. Like Water for Chocolate Thunder Downunder

5. Snatch'd and Snatch'rer

4. Chasing Amy's Papi

3. The Sound of Music II: Electric Boogaloo

2. Bachelor Ba'ath Party

And the number one rejected summer movie sequel...

1. You Got Smurfed

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/06/04)

And the alternates...

Gulf War 3-D
Left Behinderer
Shallow Halitosis
The Gas-Electric Hybrid Horseman
Big Trouble in Little Baghdad
American Pi
My Big Fat Greek Divorce

TOP TEN CHEWBACCA TURN-ONS

Top Ten Chewbacca Turn-Ons

10. Fresh cut flowers

9. Handwritten poetry on fine stationary

8. A hot bubble bath and flea dip

7. Bounty hunters who can't make the jump to hyperspace

6. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou

5. Wookiees who are "real"

4. Replacing the fine coffee normally served on the Millennium Falcon with that hilarious Chihuahua

3. Tavern sponsored Ewok tossing contests

2. Retooling the ion drive from a stock proton particle subverter to a really bitchin' custom dilithium hyper-light quark inverting atomic star thumper with twin chrome exhaust ports. Then cruising the Dairy Queen on Yavin.

And the number one Chewbacca turn-on...

1. A well oiled cross bow--if you know what I mean...

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/23/98)

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE NEW STAR WARS PREQUEL

Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Prequel

10. In a fit of rage, Obi-Wan Kenobi threatens to make Darth Vader his bitch

9. Interplanetary rivalry characterized by fly-by shootings

8. Chewbacca isn't just a member of the Hair Club for Wookiee's, he's also the president

7. Wearing leather and chains, Yoda helps his live-in disciple, a talking Chihuahua, "feel the force"

6. Boba Fett admits that after a long day of bounty hunting, he just wants to be held

5. Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa played by the Olsen twins.

4. Anakin Skywalker is led to the Dark Side by Evil Lord of the Sith, Bylgates ken-Starr

3. An under-rated rag-tag band of plucky rebels, though hopelessly outgunned and exponentially outnumbered, manage to gather enough grit and courage for a one-in-a-million surgical blow to the vastly superior enemy and--get this--pull a spectacular victory out of the jaws of certain defeat anyway

2. In order to pay for the exhorbitant special effects, ticket prices will be raised to $39.95

And the number one surprise in the new Star Wars Prequel...

1. The Emperor has new clothes

-Jason Rohrblogger
(11/12/98)

And the alternates...

Darth Vader is also Chewbacca's father
Jabba the Hutt admits he has a weight problem because he was teased as a child
Jar Jar Binks finishes up his doctorate in cultural studies
Grand Moff Tarkin exposed as neither grand nor moff
Mace Windu quotes a long bible verse before blowing away his enemies
Yoda uses the Force to scare those damn kids off his lawn

TOP TEN SCOTT PETERSON EXCUSES

Top Ten Scott Peterson Excuses

10. Divorce is messy and it would have involved all kinds of court and lawyers

9. Did it to impress Jody Foster

8. Mistook pregnant wife for giant white whale

7. Would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!

6. Wasn't getting enough prison sex from his wife and mistress

5. She was going to name child "Connor" not Prince Scott II

4. Thought you had to kill your wife as initiation into Hair Club for Men

3. Fetus was looking at him funny

2. Just wanted to pet the pretty rabbits

And the number one Scott Peterson excuse...

1. Wife and child weren't going to kill themselves

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/13/05)

And the alternates...

Was listening to the voices in his SPAM: thought he only had to kill one more family member to win iPod
Is sociopathic wonderkind
Started out as harmless Christmas prank that got out of hand

TOP TEN REJECTED TOP LEVEL DOMAIN (TLD) NAMES

Top Ten Rejected Top Level Domain (TLD) Names

10. .arrrrgh!

9. .con

8. .federline

7. .dot

6. .spork

5. .halliburton

4. .fu

3. .trek

2. .hell

And the number one rejected top level domain (TLD) name...

1. .rohrblogger

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/10/05)

YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

Getting to know me: yet another e-mail chain letter...

1. What time did you get up this morning?
-The butt crack o' noon.

2. Diamonds or pearls?
-I love a pearl necklace...

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-Citizen Kane II: Chucky's Revenge

4. What is your favorite TV show: Survivor, Sex & The City, or The Amazing Race?
-Sex & The Amazing Survivor Race

5. What did you have for breakfast?
-Slim Fast and Rogaine

6. What is your middle name?
-Phineas

7. Favorite cuisine?
-Lean

8. What foods do you dislike?
-Anything made by elves

9. What is your favorite chip flavor?
-Microchip

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
-Learn French with Richard Simmons

11. What kind of car do you drive?
-1909 Ford Model A (Turbo)

12. Favorite sandwich?
-Mmmm, Olsen Twin Sandwich

13. What characteristic do you despise?
-Intelligence

14. Favorite item of clothing?
-Leash

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
-Fallujah

16. What color is your bathroom?
-Off Eggshell

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
-Wonderbra

18. Where would you retire to?
-West Bank

19. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
-Liver transplant, 36.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
-Porn

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
-Bob Dole

23. Person who will answer first?
-My attorney

24. What fabric detergent do you use?
-Crest

25. When is your birthday?
-March first. I'm a Pisces, yo. Heah ta reprezizent! Fish up in tha hizzay! Boo ta tha yah, ma zodiacal bruthuhs from uther muthahs. Lemme heah ya say "watah sign!" Splish ta tha splizzash...

26. When is your anniversary?
-I was released back into the wild on August 30th.

27. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-I'm always a person, silly!

28. What is your shoe size?
-Um, 12. What's your point?

29. Pets:
-One blonde, one brunette, one who keeps changing.

30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us?
-I can change my own oil.

31. What did you want to be when you were little?
-A beautiful butterfly!

32. What are you today?
-A regular butterfly.

33. What is your favorite candy?
-Britney Spears. Wait, are tarts candy?

34. What is your favorite flower?
-Anything by Georgia O'Queef

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/09/04)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S SUMMER IN L.A.

Top Ten Signs It's Summer in L.A.

10. Tanning beds mothballed until Fall

9. Smog layer glistens

8. Busses disgorge fresh batch of teenage runaways from Midwest

7. Four-hour waits at DPSO: Discount Plastic Surgery Outlet

6. New seasonal Coke flavor: SPF 30

5. Roseanne Barr takes down her Christmas decorations

4. Smokers forced to stand outside in sun risking two forms of cancer

3. Characters at Disneyland issued tank tops and cut-offs

2. Marines storm Tara Reid's beach blanket in effort to stem the tide of herpes

And the number one sign it's summer in L.A....

1. Film critics praise screening of "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous" as "...fabulously air-conditioned..."

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/07/05)

And the alternate...

Richard Simmons' star on Hollywood Walk of Fame bursts into flames

PAPAL STARTER KIT

Papal Starter Kit
Just had an address change from Munich to the Vatican?
Here are some Papal Points to help you get jiggy with Jesus...

COMMUNION SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Only administered to Catholics
BETTER: Eucharistic transubstantiation
BAD: 2for1 on Thursdays with Dollar Drafts and U-Call-It Shots

THE INQUISITION:
GOOD: Was a shameful mistake
BETTER: Should be formally apologized for
BAD: Clearly didn't finish the job

THE MODERN PAPAL SELECTION PROCESS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Put to a worldwide church vote
BETTER: Televised internationally
BAD: Hereditary

EVOLUTION IS:
GOOD: Merely a theory at best
BETTER: Proof that God really does exist
BAD: The sickest roller coaster at Busch Gardens, boo yah! Rode it.

CONDOMS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: A last resort
BETTER: Banned from the planet
BAD: Ribbed for her pleasure

MEL GIBSON IS:
GOOD: A devout Catholic disciple
BETTER: Spreading the Gospel through cinema
BAD: Directing "The Passion II: Beyond Thunderdome"

YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE:
GOOD: Consolidate power in Rome
BETTER: Create an orthodoxy for the 21st Century
BAD: Annex the Sudetenland

THE LAY PEOPLE SHOULD:
GOOD: Tithe regularly
BETTER: Unquestioningly accept the word of the Vatican
BAD: Lay, lady, lay. Lay across my big brass bed.

ALL PRIESTS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Celibate men
BETTER: Virgins
BAD: Exiled to Neverland

ALL NUNS SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Cloistered in an abbey
BETTER: Subordinate to the priesthood
BAD: Working the silver pole for Jesus

THE HOLY SEE SHOULD HELP THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT TALK TO:
GOOD: A spiritual adviser
BETTER: Kim Jong-il
BAD: The hand

VATICAN III SHOULD BE:
GOOD: The clarification of ecumenical values
BETTER: A world-inclusive manifesto
BAD: The Ultimate Sequel with no Equal, a heart-seeking missal epistle

YOUR FAVORITE FORM OF ADDRESS:
GOOD: Blessed Father
BETTER: Most Holy See
BAD: Joey "Eggs" Benedict

THE POPEMOBILE SHOULD BE:
GOOD: Opened up to allow more access
BETTER: Equipped with a public address system
BAD: Tricked out with some really bitchin' exhaust pipes and a Holley carb

FOR WRITING THIS PIECE JASON ROHRBLOGGER WILL:
GOOD: Be writing Top Ten Lists in Hell
BETTER: Be forced to come up with a less hackneyed premise
BAD: Get to play "altar boy" with Cardinal Richelieu in the rectory

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/05/05)

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY ROBERT MAC WOULD THINK IS FUNNY

Top Ten Things Only Robert Mac Would Think is Funny

10. A blob, a stinky goat, and Thor walk into a mass store to buy a date from a palm tree. The checkout clerk asks, "what kind of bag?" Mickey says, "Hairbag, whatever."

9. Ðü∂ε! þùúûd€./ These peanut M&M's melt in my mouth and in my mind.

8. The only thing better than Laff's decor is the pay.

7. Q: How do you say goodbye to a prostitute?
A: Late, whore.

6. Congratulations, you've also won a year's supply of Minoxodil.

5. And the Award for Cultural Observation goes to...Genesis!

4. Meet JBA in HP, SFO for some South of Market Tenderloin. How Castro. (That isn't a bush and it ain't whispering!)

3. This is my first e-mail transmission...

2. Top three gay shows?
Mo Better Blues
Mo Money
Moesha

And the number one thing only Robert Mac would think is funny...

1. I can't get these pants over my juggs. β¡†©µ #◊∫³!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/00)

JASON ROHRBLOGGER'S TOP TEN FAVE PAUL DEVEN TOP TEN LISTS OF ALL TIME

My friend and fellow comedian, Paul Deven, was recently in a fatal car accident. He was also a Top Ten List writer, so I have compiled here my fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time dedicated to his memory. Scroll down the next ten entries below this list or just click on the links in this list. Enjoy.

Jason Rohrblogger's Top Ten Fave Paul Deven Top Ten Lists of All Time

10. Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys

9. Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors

8. Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz

7. Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers

6. Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books

5. Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs

4. Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains

3. Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

2. Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands

And Jason Rohrblogger's number one fave Paul Deven Top Ten List of all time...

1. Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored

-Jason Rohrblogger
(05/01/05)

TOP TEN REJECTED CHILDREN'S TOYS

Top Ten Rejected Children's Toys

10. Playdough Fuzzy Pumper Brie Factory

9. Syphilitic Barbie (Scabby Ken sold separately)

8. Mr. Leekhead

7. Don't Break the Ice or I'll Kill You!

6. Trivial Pursuit, GED Edition

5. Beavis and Butthead's Lincoln Logs (Heh, uh, heh, heh. Logs.)

4. Betty Crocker's Bake-Your-Own Paint Chips

3. O.J. Trial Actions Figures (assault and battery not included)

2. Pork Legos

And the number one rejected children's toy...

1. Don't Drink the Bong Water

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE GUM FLAVORS

Top Ten Least Favorite Gum Flavors

10. Gizzard

9. Pumice

8. Hair

7. Doublelint

6. Lymph

5. Juicy Newt

4. Cud

3. Stubble Yum

2. Clam

And the number one least favorite gum flavor...

1. Wrigley's Vap-o-mint

-Robert Paul Van deven

TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN MAKE WITH CHEEZ WHIZ

Top Ten Things You Can Make With Cheez Whiz

10. Love

9. Intestinal Blockage

8. V-ger

7. Mouse Mousse

6. Oprah Bait

5. Lubricated Pants

4. Little balls of whizzy goodness

3. Any GM product

2. Flaccid Cheese Worms

And the number one thing you can make with Cheez Whiz...

1. The Arizona Wildcat Offense

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN REJECTED BUMPER STICKERS

Top Ten Rejected Bumper Stickers

10. What are you lookin' at, pig?

9. I am not driving my other car.

8. Wouldn't it be great if the Air Force had to sell a bomber to buy some cookies and little furry animals were our friends?

7. My kid is, like, smart and stuff.

6. I have no plants or fruit.

5. Don't blame me, I voted for poon.

4. Honk if you're surly.

3. I am going to kill you.

2. Expect a miracle if you are stoopid.

And the number one rejected bumper sticker...

1. I set O.J. free and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHILDREN'S BOOKS

Top Ten Least Popular Children's Books

10. How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day

9. See Spot Run...In Front of a Moving Bus

8. Encylopedia Brown Gets Shot by the Crips

7. Green Eggs and Armpit Jam

6. You're a Manic Depressive, Charlie Brown

5. The Babysitter's Club Sell Their Bodies

4. Babar's Giant Boil

3. Horton Hears Voices Urging Him to Kill

2. Willy Wonka and the Suppository Factory

And the number on least popular children's book...

1. The Auto-erotic Adventures of Curious George

-Robert Paul Van Deven

PROPS

Props to Aurorealis for listing me as her NUMBER ONE FAVE BLOG!

"I may be his biggest fan," quoth she.

Her blog is an outstanding mix of graphics, personal musings, and nerd culture. What's more, she updates early and often. And her pinup section is easy on the eyes. Enjoy and thanks for spreading the blog love.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(04/20/05)

TOP TEN O.J. TELEVISION SPINOFFS

Top Ten O.J. Television Spinoffs

10. Chico and the O.J.

9. OJwatch

8. This old O.J.

7. The Fugitive

6. The Young and the O.J.

5. I Dream of O.J.

4. O.J. and the Bear

3. Hawaii Five-O.J.

2. Unsolved Mysteries

And the number one O.J. television spinoff...

1. Murder, O.J. Wrote

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN REJECTED BATMAN VILLAINS

Top Ten Rejected Batman Villains

10. The Funneler

9. Knitwoman

8. Pat

7. Rice-a-Roni Head

6. Manateeman

5. Politically Correct Chick

4. Yarnface

3. The Chive

2. Uncontrolled Intersection

And the number one rejected Batman villain...

1. The Insinuator

-Robert Paul Van Deven

And the alternates...

Fife
Pinkeye
Fullprice
Rashgirl
Regularly Scheduled Mammogram
The Independent Contractor
Biopsy

TOP TEN REJECTED GIRL SCOUT COOKIES

Top Ten Rejected Girl Scout Cookies

10. Chocolate Spankys

9. Monkey-roons

8. Silicon Wafers

7. Mint Doo-Doos

6. Lug Nut Chewies

5. Soylent Greens

4. Fat 'n Gristles

3. Caramel Naughties

2. Asbestos Cremes

And the number one rejected Girl Scout cookie...

1. Shorthairbread

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN LEAST FAVORITE CIGARETTE BRANDS

Top Ten Least Favorite Cigarette Brands

10. Benson & Hedge Clippings

9. From the makers of Virginia Slims: Minnesota Fats. You've let yourself go, baby

8. Capri with wings

7. Still working on your GED? Try GPC with FD&C #5

6. Kool Ultra Sticky

5. Ba-Ba, the cigarette for toddlers

4. Kingsford Matchlite 100's

3. Lucky Strike, for Teamsters willing to negotiate

2. Poison Gas in a Tube

And the number one least favorite cigarette brand...

1. Things I found in my pants, unfiltered

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT WORK WHEN YOU'RE BORED

Top Ten Things to Do at Work When You're Bored

10. Hang out in office supply closet, see if insults really do bounce off rubber and stick to glue

9. Xerox parts of your body where sun don't shine

8. Hit company cafeterial lady in the head with modem (nothing but internet)

7. When talking to clients on the phone, ask how much they weigh

6. Accuse coworkers of being scared

5. Have your desk moved ot the smoking lounge where thick clouds of second hand smoke function as a surrogate ozone layer

4. Look for ninjas, invisible dogs, and other workplace bugaboos

3. Talk to your boss like Fred Schneider of the B-52's

2. Call Ann's son on the phone, tell him you're hiding somewhere in his house

And the number one thing to do at work when you're bored...

1. Abort, retry, and ignore

-Robert Paul Van Deven

TOP TEN REJECTED RESEARCH PAPERS AT THE CIA

Top Ten Rejected Research Papers at the CIA

10. McDonald's: Weapon of Ass Destruction?

9. South Vietnam 2001: A Clear-and-Hold Approach to Taking the Peninsula in the New Millenium

8. Destabilizing Angolan Support for Cuba

7. Encrypting Mission Critical Information as a Word File

6. East Coast vs. West Coast Rap: Determining Factors of Whack

5. Psy Ops: Winning Arab Hearts and Minds Through Extended Palestinian Occupation

4. Aerial Saturation Bombing: The Silent Killer

3. The Levy Doctrine: Extending Tactical Kill Zones to Mistresses Who Talk

2. Urban Feline Napalm Applications

And the number one rejected research paper at the CIA...

1. Refried Beans: Biological Threat to HQ Operational Air Quality

-Jason Rohrblogger
(07/18/01)

TOP TEN REJECTED BRITNEY SPEARS MARKETING TIE-INS

Top Ten Rejected Britney Spears Marketing Tie-ins

10. BritneyBites® Hickey Concealer

9. McPickle Spears

8. Preginia Slims 100's: When you are smoking for two...
"Bring your uterus to flavor country"
"You've come nine months, baby"

7. Britney Pokémon character: Grantitimon

6. Sign multi-million dollar endorsement deal with German pharmaceutical giant Bayer, change stage name to Britney Cipro, join band Anthrax

5. Star in remake of Disney camel classic, "Humps" (It was either that or "Britney Goes Bananas")

4. "Oops...I Did It Again," late night infomercial for Depends

3. "Two Gentle Mounds of Verona," by Britney Shakespears

2. Brittany's favorite sweet relish: Chutney Spears

And the number one rejected Britney Spears marketing tie-in...

1. GerberMeister: The prenatal brew of champions

-Jason Rohrblogger
(09/20/01)

And the alternates...

Trim Spa
Matching "Twin Towers" bra and "Pentagon Panties" set
Make yer Kessel run in less than five parsecs to the Naboo taboo stylings of Jar Jar Spears
Fundraising duet with Osama bin Laden, "I Shot the Mazar-I-Sharif"

TOP TEN MICHAEL JACKSON PET PEEVES

Top Ten Michael Jackson Pet Peeves

10. Judas juice

9. It takes FOREVER to get a replacement bulb for a tanning bed

8. When the man in the mirror is a woman

7. As you get older, constantly wondering..."Does this dress make me look white?"

6. Elephant men with small trunks

5. Trying to find a moonwalker for his elderly father

4. The way Lisa Marie would insist on doing three encores like her father

3. Popes with better stylists than you

2. Tattle tales

And the number one Michael Jackson pet peeve....

1. Pants

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/29/05)

And the alternates...

The way you never really know what is happening to your kids at daycare while you are in court
Australian nurses
Twelve-year-old accusers who are clearly older than anyone you would really date
The way Liz Taylor and Marlon Brando used to fight over the last Krispy Kreme at Neverland
Cancer victims who victimize you by claiming to be, uh, victims

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S EASTER

Top Ten Signs It's Easter

10. Jesus pops out if His tomb. If He sees His own shadow, six more weeks of Holy War

9. Cadbury chickens laying dozens and dozens of Cadbury Eggs

8. "Passion of the Christ" recut to include footage of Jesus returning to clobber Judas in best-two-out-of-three cage match

7. "Passion of the Christ II" covers Jesus' much-anticipated rematch against Apollo Creed

6. Rockinghorse people eat marshmallow peeps with plasticene grass and looking glass pies (Paul McCartney only)

5. Pope celebrates mass with a hearty IV full of jelly beans

4. Children invited to find Monica Lewinsky's eggs on the White House lawn

3. Osama Bin Laden orders three HoneyBaked® goats

2. Bunnies at Neverland make a break for it

And the number one sign it's Easter...

1. God admits He must be crazy to be giving Salvation away at these prices

-Jason Rohrblogger
(03/27/05)

TOP TEN CRUISE LINE ADVERTISING SLOGANS AFTER 9/11

Top Ten Cruise Line Advertising Slogans After 9/11

10. Bomb-free since September 11th. Kathy Lee-free since 1999!

9. Our passengers get to the Dominican Republic.

8. The only recent boat-related disaster was Speed 2.

7. Our metal detector is also a limbo stick.

6. Achille who?

5. Titanic Schmitanic

4. Try having a drunken one-night stand in coach whydoncha!

3. Not even God can sink our ships.

2. Las Vegas-style shows, Toronto-style safety.

And the number one cruise line advertising slogan after 9/11...

1. Come back! Pleeeaaase! We promise! Nothing bad will happen! Realllly! Pleaseeee. Waaahhh-ahhhh-ha-haaaa! Come baaaaaaaaack!

Jason Rohrblogger
(10/02/01)

TOP TEN GIRLS THAT JASON STILL HAS A CRUSH ON

Top Ten Girls That Jason Still Has a Crush On

10. Roseanne

9. RuPaul

8. Chelsea Clinton

7. Lassie

6. Tammy Faye Bakker

5. Aunt Elduh

4. Kathie Lee Gifford

3. Imelda Marcos

2. Ruth Buzzi

And the number one girl that Jason still has a crush on...

1. Richard Simmons

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/08/05)

TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT BIC

Top Ten Products in Development at BIC

10. Disposable Spouse

9. SofGel beer capsules

8. Childproof Parents

7. Wind Resistant Underwear

6. Ink-based whipped topping

5. Sub-zero arctic styling mousse

4. SureGrip Vaseline

3. Incendiary shower gel

2. High-fiber substitute crack

And the number one product in development at BIC...

1. Individually wrapped, travel size liver and onions

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/15/02)

TOP TEN PRODUCTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT THE HILTON

Top Ten Products in Development at the Hilton

10. Coin operated mini-bar

9. A maid that can also change your oil

8. A trap door in the lobby floor that leads to the sidewalk

7. Sound-proof sheets

6. A conventioneer with 1/3 less fat

5. A portable dance floor that converts the funky chicken to electricity

4. Pillow-on-a-chain

3. Condom dispensing beer

2. A taco bell staff

And the number one product in development at the Hilton...

1. Self-cleaning drawers

-Jason Rohrblogger
(06/22/01)

BAND-O-MATIC

Now you can easily name your band by picking a word from column
A, a word from column B and a word from column C. Click here to begin...

-A-	-B-	-C-
Magnolia	Thunder	Fingar
Blue	Baked	Jillato
Summer	Blow	Munkey
Generic	Porno	Guñn
Ugly	Throttle	Maiz
Deluxe	Danger	Waiph
Foreign	Lust	Daggar
Deep	Sharp	Voyd
Macro	Carotid	Kàrávân
High	Willing	Kingdamn
Sick	Voltage	Twïnz
Under	Rubber	Acröbat
Alpine	Wonder	Studebæker
Angry	Senate	Sçhow
Arbitrary	Dirt	Myrrhchant
Screaming	Cream	Fungis
Industrial	Paper	Peepol
Divided	Elvin	Barbeez
Wrecked	Life	Lampe

-Jason Rohrblogger

(02/24/05)

TOP TEN REJECTED SEQUELS ON THE WB NETWORK

Top Ten Rejected Sequels On The WB Network

10. Mister Sister

9. Dawson's Crack

8. Touched By an Anvil

7. Survivor: Compton

6. Praywatch: Amish Surf Rescue

5. Todd Bridges of Madison County Lockdown

4. Boston Public Restroom

3. South Central Squares

2. Roots II: Kinte's Revenge

And the number one rejected sequel on the WB network...

1. When Islamic Fundamentalists Attack

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/03/02)

And the alternate...

Desperate Houseplants

JASON'S TOP TEN FAVE LINES IN JENN'S BLOG

I don't normally stray from my list format to plug my latest Internet crush. However, I stumbled across pure hilarity one day as one of those random "next blog" button hits: Patience Is a Virtue. The author is a married woman trying to conceive a child and her writing documents everything from her emotional struggle with infertility to her hair color. The reason her blog is so funny is her phrasing. Even her throw-away lines are crafted so that on their own they could be a bumper sticker. Highs: she captures the universal everyday banality of suburban life. Lows: she records her own monthly cycle in excruciating detail for the public to read.

You can normally get a chuckle by surreptitiously scanning snippets of her latest post while checking your e-mail at work. But you are better off to take the time to read the whole thing from the beginning, like a novel, to get a feel for her journey.

This is the kind of blog that is meant to be read at 2:00pm on rainy Tuesday afternoons while you're pretending to be home sick, sitting in your sweatpants, next to Kevin Federline, ashing Parliaments into the microwavable mac-'n'-cheese container.

Ladies: enjoy the guilty-pleasure-reading as she rips into her ex-husband and eviscerates his current wife, natch. Men: she's not stingy with the pictures.

To give you an idea what I am talking about, below are my Top Ten fave lines from her blog. Out of context you can imagine any one of these printed on a T-shirt. In context, they are even funnier. Enjoy.

Jason's Top Ten Fave Lines in Jenn's Blog

10. "Those bras are immoral."

9. "she said, 'We are having a little baby.' In a baby-talk voice. Which automatically annoyed me."

8. "spent a couple of hours rolling around naked on fur rugs and trying to remember to suck in my stomach."

7. "Note to cops: I am aware that Absinthe is illegal."

6. "Mike is hungry this morning. I bought him a burrito a mere 7 hours ago, and the man appears to want to eat again."

5. "Two cute kids all dressed up. Adorable. I fear for them."

4. "Here I sat at the salon, boldly experimenting with my hair color, deep in discussion about which bar in town makes the best cosmopolitans...."

3. "OK, don't freak out. I have to wear this ankle bracelet for a while and I can't leave my house."

2. "Oh shit- old habits! bye!"

And Jason's number one fave line in Jenn's blog...

1. ".5 second later....Oh my God! Not cool! Not cool! That is my shirt!"

-Jason Rohrblogger
(2/25/05)

And the alternates...

"you begin to heal when you get tired of the grieving process"

"I want to make fun of her pain simply because I think it was less than mine. 'What did she have, 6 failed Clomid cycles? That bitch doesn't KNOW pain.'"

"Assuming I live long enough, Mike and I are driving to Dallas tonight."

"I don't remember hearing 'Sweat Drip from my Balls' in the 80's, do you? Never mind, it was very fun."

"Just enough of an attraction that I began secretly touching scarfs. As time went on, my desire to fondle yarn increased"

"it never entered my mind to want him until he cut his hair."

"Just like a fairy tale, only a little sluttier."

"my husband's sperm overachieves in every possible category"

"Thank you for reading and I will do my best to keep things positive and interesting."

"In other news, I am 8 dpo and spotting heavily, with horrid cramps"

TOP TEN BRITNEY SPEARS PET PEEVES

Top Ten Britney Spears Pet Peeves

10. The way a backup dancer tastes after a half a pack of cigarettes and three beers

9. Sobriety

8. Husband's babymamma

7. Telephoto lenses

6. Clothes

5. Emily Post's Etiquette for Dummies

4. The way Courtney Love is out of control in the press

3. Marriages that last longer than the honeymoon

2. Moms who think they are smarter than you when they are not!

And the number one Britney Spears pet peeve...

1. Soap

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/07/05)

And the alternates...

Attorneys who scare off all of the hotties
People with more than 12 items in the Express Lane
Sluts like Paris Hilton who set the women's movement back 50 years
The way "Crossroads" was snubbed at the Oscars
Hickey concealer

TOP TEN REJECTED TOM CLANCY TITLES

Top Ten Rejected Tom Clancy Titles

10. The Little Terrorist That Could

9. Spec Ops: Prisoner of Passionate Surrender

8. The Pacification of Jack Ryan

7. Burberry Mews: Nancy Nindle Gets A Summer Pony

6. 10 Steps To A Tantric Understanding Of Your Spouse

5. Community Quilt: Rebuilding A Village Through Sewing

4. Code Name: Sgt. Lovemuscle

3. Conflict Resolution: Nonviolent Detante

2. The Blue Gap Dress

And the number one rejected Tom Clancy title...

1. Agricultural Espionage: A Renegade CIA Agent Turned Sod Buster Converts Military Hardware Into Farm Implements

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/09/98)

STELLA AWARDS

Stella Awards

It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella Awards. The Stellas are named after 81-year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5TH PLACE (TIED): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5TH PLACE (TIED): A man, 19-year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

4TH PLACE: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500--and medical expenses--after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle dog. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought for because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked. At the time, Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard, had been shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3RD PLACE: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2ND PLACE: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1ST PLACE: This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motorhome. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motorhome. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational vehicles!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/30/05)

TOP TEN REJECTED OUTLET MALL FACTORY STORES

Top Ten Rejected Outlet Mall Factory Stores

10. Ted Benchley's Scratch 'n Dent Ammunition Barn

9. The Electrical Outlet Outlet Store

8. The Whore Wharehouse

7. Past Yer Eyes: Expired Milk Bonanza

6. Bonaparte's Short 'n Small 'n Passive Aggressive Men's Store

5. The Tack Room: Everything For The Space Between Your Thumb And The Bulletin Board

4. Tripp Wire: Covert Recording Supplies

3. The Rainfores--This Cafe Is Now Under The Control Of the People's Revolutionary Forces And Will Be Razed To Plant Cash Crops Like Marijuana To Further Finance the Glory Of The Revolution! Viva La Revolucion!

2. Stocks 'n Bonds: S & Megamart

And the number one rejected outlet mall factory store...

1. The Despot Depot: Discount Dictators Direct

-Jason Rohrblogger
(12/05/98)

TOP TEN ITEMS FOUND BY THE U.N. WEAPONS INSPECTION TEAM IN IRAQ

Top Ten Items Found by the U.N. Weapons Inspection Team in Iraq

10. Elite squad of Republican Guard dispatched advanced tactical attack goats trained to hunt down an Allied soldier and eat his canteen.

9. Top secret plans for a Muslim themed amusement park, "Allahland."

8. An identical looking Big Mac with twice the fat and three times the cholesterol designed to kill an American by age 35.

7. A bundled cache of "Honk If You Hate The West" bumperstickers.

6. A file folder brimming with unretouched photos of Clinton actually
making love to his wife.

5. A redneck from the Florida Panhandle that was dropped off in Baghdad by aliens in '73.

4. A missile warhead filled with copies of "The Satanic Verses" aimed at Tehran.

3. An illicit caravan selling pin-up posters of the "Bedouin Girls:" a
cheesy pop act wearing garish robes and sequin veils.

2. Burried barrels of dual-use chemicals that actually leave your skin
younger looking and diminish the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles.

And the number one item found by the U.N. weapons inspection team in Iraq...

1. 16mm black and white anti-American propaganda films starring a hilarious Farsi speaking Chihuahua.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(7/31/98)

TOP TEN TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA JOB OFFERS

Top Ten Taco Bell Chihuahua Job Offers

10. Spokesdog: late night Hartz Mountain time share infomercials.

9. Sidekick: Conan O'Brian Show.

8. Taco filling: Shanghai, China

7. Dean of Students: Spuds Mackenzie's School for Wayward Bitches

6. Stunt Double: Ren and Stimpy Show.

5. Goodwill Ambassador to Cuba

4. Celebrity Doorman: Lassie's FIREHYDRANT! Casino

3. Go Go dancer: West Hollywood leather bar "The Leash."

2. Role of Arnold Jackson in the Broadway stage version of "Diff'rent Strokes."

And the number one Taco Bell Chihuahua job offer...

1. Ball fetcher for Siegfried & Roy

-Jason Rohrblogger
(10/07/98)

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH JASON

Top Ten Signs You Are in Love with Jason

10. You ask, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." But you only list the top ten.

9. Your twin girls are named Rohrie and Jasina.

8. You leave a trail of tempting cheeseburgers from your front door to your boudoir.

7. You find yourself renting two or three cars a day.

6. You are exhausted, and your hands are sore...from a hot night of e-mail.

5. You legally change your sign to Pisces.

4. You believe his lame jokes are filled with secret messages for you.

3. Your answering machine announces: "If this is Jason calling, stay on the line until I can get home and pick up the phone!"

2. You put posters of him right up over your old posters of Drew Carey.

And the number one sign you are in love with Jason...

1. Favorite Spice Girl? Jason.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/18/99)

TOP TEN REASONS JENNIFER AND BRAD BROKE UP

Top Ten Reasons Jennifer and Brad Broke Up

10. Contrary to popular belief, SHE would always Bogart the joint.

9. He wanted to have kids; she wanted to date an actor.

8. Every night is was the same tired thing: TV, beer, then routine sex with the most beautiful person in the world.

7. He couldn't stand her (...wait for it...) Friends. (Get it? It's a wacky "Friends" pun! That never happens in print coverage of Jennifer Aniston!)

6. Once Britney and Jason Alexander broke up they realized ANY celebrity couple could fail.

5. He kept working on that damn truck all weekend and wouldn't even come in when hot supper was ready.

4. Money.

3. He kept wanting to have a threesome with Angelina Jolie; she kept wanting to have a threesome with David Gest.

2. Scheduled divorce before awards season so they could capitalize on the inevitable awkward meeting on the red carpet.

And the number one reason Jennifer and Brad broke up...

1. It's more like Ocean's 4 or 5, if you know what I mean.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/11/05)

A COOL TIMELINE

A cool timeline...

25 years ago: I had just turned 10. The horses at Glenhilly, our ancestral Estate, were bringing their Spring foals. Father had picked out the fastest one, Zanzibar, an Arabian Quarter Horse with fire his belly, to be my mount for the Fox Hunt that season. Oh, father! Why did you have to leave us for that Haitian stable boy?

20 years ago: I had just turned 15, the Superior Court of Appeals finally mandated that I could be tried as an adult. Why didn't I listen to Senator Halstead when he was giving advice? I would later find out what the juvenile system had in store for less fortunate defendants...

15 Years ago: I had just turned 20. Getting out of the military was one of my better decisions but the lessons learned in Viet Nam were still ringing in my head. How I ended up in that tower and where I got the rifle are questions that I guess I'll never have answers to. I just hope God lets those kids enter heaven so I won't have to face them again.

10 Years ago: I had just turned 25. Like a lot of Baccalaureates I couldn't decide on a post college career. MBA? Work for Uncle Winston at the Underwriter's Guild? Law school beckoned with promises of huge payouts in questionable tort cases. How I ended up touring South Africa in that Sondheim Revue remains a mystery. What I know is that's how I met Alison Leslie Potts and that's all that matters.

5 years ago: I had just turned 30. I was spending $40 a day just to get well, $80 a day if I wanted to get high. At $5 a trick in Griffith Park, well, you do the math. I had lost Jill, Silas, and Zanzibar. I had hit bottom. At one point I just looked at Clarence Frank and announced in my best Judd Nelson "I've been to Paradise but I've never been to me."

3 years ago: I was 32. My time in the Peace Corps had been productive, even rewarding, but my novel was stalled and things with Bree were, well, sketchy. She didn't want to share me with the world and I loathed her coffeehouse friends. How could I enjoy a double half-caff when things were disintegrating in the Sudan? It would prove too much for either of us. I think I lost all desire to write after that. My novel was our stillborn child. I can still hear chapter 24 crying out its sad denouement in the cradle of my cerebellum. Rage against the dying of the light, little chapter, do not go gently into that good night...

1 year ago: I was 34. The surgery was a success and I could finally throw away my toupee forever! The braces will be off next year and to think they said I would never walk again! I can't wait to hold Zanzibar and taste the salt air of coastal New Guinea again.

This year: I've just turned 35. I live in my condo and, for the first time in my life, make pretty decent money. I will have a full-time job for the spring semester, and hope that it will extend into a permanent one. I have amazing friends who I love very much, and a family which supports me unconditionally (even though my dad would like me to get married). I still surf, and I still direct shows. I'm leaving for NY in a few days for another adventure.

Yesterday: I golfed with Harvey and he thinks my software fix for the mass spectrometer aboard the Hubble will never fly with Jerry and the boys at JPL. I just told him they can come up with their own Finley algorithm to deal with the Bose-Einstein Condensate. He backed down and promised there won't be anymore "Russian" episodes again. I was just happy to be golfing.

Today: It's only 2:14pm, but so far I'm on my second cup of coffee and am trying to reply to e-mails. I plan to go to the gym (but I said that yesterday and blew it off...) and will clean my foul house. I also have an appointment with Kevin, my hairdresser for a cut-and-color. Tonight I'm going to dinner and then drinks with Edward and I think that is progressing nicely. Tonight may be the night! I am excited about what the New Year will bring.

Tomorrow: January 11, 2005. I'm guessing I'll call the Independent Counsel back and finally agree to testify before Congress. I just hope Azra and Muhammad can get out of Gitmo before the other shoe falls. When I left Riyadh in '98 I never would have thought it would go down like this. Sometimes the world (and especially the Middle East!) is a crazy place, you know?

And you?

TOP TEN JABBA THE HUTT NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Top Ten Jabba The Hutt New Year's Resolutions

10. Return ThighMaster for full refund.

9. Finally come out to mom and dad at the all-Hutt cotillion.

8. Have Lewis Carroll ghostwrite autobiography, Jabbawocky.

7. Attack queen in chess-by-mail game with Boba Fett.

6. Sue Pizza Hut, Sunglass Hut, and Timothy Hutton for copyright infringement.

5. Learn bass line to Louie Louie: start all-slug band.

4. Finally build that patio deck he's been talking about.

3. Kill next joker who mistakenly refers to him as a "Jawa."

2. Use cool carbon freezing machine to make Bantha-size novelty popsicles.

And the number one Jabba the Hutt New Year's resolution...

1. Finally work up the guts to ask out Kirsty Alley.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/11/99)

2004 ROUNDUP

All questions pertain to 2004, if it doesn't say specifically.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Finally decided that I want to stay a man. I think that is my gender-destiny.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No. Unh unh.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
This lady next to me on the train.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Rodney Dangerfield.

5. What countries did you visit?
Compton, Watts

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
That kidney I sold for beer money.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The 4th of July. I was in a hot tub full of women. September 11 when I sailed to Catalina Island and drank corn squeezins.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying off the junk.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't have a successful, fulfilling romantic relationship. But I refuse to categorize this as a "failure". I did have some really cheap meaningless dinners.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Does mental illness count? Cause I didn't suffer any of that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A hairless Asian boy.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Paris Hilton

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Paris Hilton. Reality TV? C'mon, Paris. Go back to porn where you belong!

14. Where did most of your money go?
The Forum. Those who dismiss it as a cult don't understand the relationship between your soul and the material tribute we pay in this life to avoid a celestial shame spiral.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
This one time I found a parking meter with 21 minutes left on it! Screw you City Hall! HA! That's one quarter you won't be getting this year! Boo Yah! Go back to invading oil rich countries you Fascist Pinko Commie Hippies!

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
If I Only Had a Brain.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Fuchsia
b) thinner or fatter? Quite
c) richer or poorer? Yes

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Crystal Meth

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Taxes.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Working towards peace on earth. Cleaning out my linen closet.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
I wouldn't say "fell" so much as "collided with" in an unmarked intersection.

22. How many one-night stands?
We weren't really standing, but let's just say that I gave one Marine a memory he can take with him to the torture chambers of Fallujah. Semper Fi.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
TeleTubbies.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
That one guy who doesn't turn left on the protected green arrow because he is not paying attention because the through-traffic light is still red? That guy.

25. What was the best book you read?
Shadow Divers by Kurson

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The way my nose whistles when I'm congested and drunk.

27. What did you want and get?
That warm feeling way deep down in my toes.

28. What did you want and not get?
Rolls Royce Phaeton III

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
The x-ray of my left molar when it cracked from riding the Supreme Scream at Knott's Bury Farm.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went to, um, Chuck E. Cheese and, um, saw the moose, and...Oh! I won a pencil with a fire truck on it! And played Tekken, like, 30 times! The best part was the pizza cause a guy comes by and gives you all the free re-fills on Coke you can drink. I had three Cokes before my mommy said I couldn't have anymore. But the guy came by one more time and snuck me another one when my mommy wasn't looking. He was so cool! I ran out of tokens before Bobby did and he even shared some of his with me. I turned 35 this year.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more
satisfying?
A timely arraignment with my own counsel, not that Public Defender weasel they gave me. Late.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Pre-Colombian Dominatrix.

33. What kept you sane?
Jack Daniel's and Slimfast. The brunch of champions.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Dan Rather. That guy can bring down a president faster than Monica Lewinsky. Did you see that forgery story he broke? Classic.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay divorce.

36. Who did you miss?
Bullwinkle Moose. They really gotta bring that guy back.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Dr. Tony Silva. That guy knows bunions.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
You can't really make a housecat take a bath if it doesn't want to. Or a shower. Or even get in the hot tub. Or the lap pool at Bally's.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Tell me why
The car is in the front yard
And I
Am sleeping with my clothes on?

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/05/05)

JASON'S TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2005

Jason's Top Ten Predictions for 2005

10. Martha Stewart is discovered smuggling fois gras into prison in her rectum.

9. Whitney Houston's condition is still unknown but doctors rule out "stable."

8. I giant Imperial Star Destroyer docks at the Pentagon and takes Donald Rumsfeld back to his home planet.

7. Tara Reid's bed collapses: 2 killed 14 injured.

6. After the free Iraqi elections, Cheney carves out his own small republic: Dickistan. Capitol: Halliburtamabad.

5. Fans become unruly at a WBC heavyweight boxing match and a Pistons game breaks out.

4. Liza Minnelli legally changes her sign to Gemini so she can get readings for both of her personalities.

3. The hockey lockout is broken when the Detroit Red Wings agree to take on Ron Artest in a best-two-out-of-three cage match.

2. Michael Jackson explains naked photos of himself with guests at Neverland as a "wardrobe malfunction."

And Jason's number one prediction for 2005...

1. Tom Cruise and Madonna form an even wackier cult based on the teachings of Kabbala and thetan worship: Ziontology.

-Jason Rohrblogger
(01/02/05)

TOP TEN SIGNS IT'S CHRISTMAS IN IRAQ

Top Ten Signs it's Christmas in Iraq

10. Muzzle flash has that extra-warm holiday glow

9. Price of sleigh-seeking missiles triples

8. Booby traps put up earlier and earlier every year

7. Prisoners exchanged with little red bows on them

6. You are visited by the ghosts of Ramadan Past, Christmas Present, and a One-Term Future (George W. Bush only)

5. Steaming cups of goatnog

4. Visions of sugar plumbs covertly inserted into the dancing hearts and minds of Iraqi children

3. Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, "Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you please maintain light discipline within the perimeter until at least oh seven hundred hours?"

2. Millions of Iraqi fathers trying to figure out how to assemble the @#!^% L'il Jihad Anti-Tank Missile Jr.

And the number one sign it is Christmas in Iraq...

1. Unexpected glut of Christmas stockings with the names "Uday" and "Qusay"

-Jason Rohrblogger and Ken Bloggerts
(12/05/03)

TOP TEN SECRET PROJECTS IN DEVELOPMENT AT VICK'S

Top Ten Secret Projects In Development At Vick's

10. An inhaler that sterilizes game show contestants.

9. The Vap-O-Rub hot tub

8. A genetically engineered cold virus that temporarily changes brown eyes to blue.

7. Vick's 44 "Magnum" cough supressing condom

6. Mentholated crack

5. Nyquil, now with Viagra! The coughing, sneezing, aching, stuffy headed, fever, so you can get it up, medicine.

4. Mochaccino flavored expectorant

3. Blisterine: mouthwash with nonoxynol 9

2. A normal looking medicine cup that is deadly when used with Robitussin

And the number one secret project in development at Vick's...

1. Strawberry flavored chewable children's Valium. The bedtime snack that makes bedtime last for up to three days!

-Jason Rohrblogger
(02/10/99)